Dangerous Desires
by Peaches Girl
Summary: This is an AU fic. All human, its a story about Buffy and Angelus. This is a dark fic, full of angst, drugs, and a small amount of domestic vil.over 18 only please.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Dangerous Desires

**Author: Peaches Girl**

**Rating: NC-17**

**Parings: B/Angelus**

**Spoilers: None**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, Joss is king, and I have no money.**

**Email: This is an A/U fic, all human. Buffy meets her soul mate but things turn ugly. This is a dark, full of angst, bad language, and some domestic violence. If you are not of age or you do not like sexual content and graphic language please do not read any further.****A/N: A ****special thanks to Jenni and Ivana for being my betas on this fic. Thanks for all your help.**

**Prologue**

**The smell in this place was almost unbearable. It permeated the air, it swirled in the empty spaces and danced from room to room; no matter what direction you turned, you could not escape it.**

**There are many places I wished to be at this time and this was definitely not one of them. The stench of death and fresh cut flowers clung to my skin and I rubbed my arms constantly trying to remove the feel of it. A nasty evil feeling crept up my spine and I quickened my pace down the long hall dragging my small daughter with me. **

**I hate funeral homes and if it weren't necessary for me to be here this would be the last place you would find me.**

**My friend Gunn, Charles Gunn, owned the place along with his family. We had grown up together in our not so small town and his warm smiling face was the only comfort I felt while I was stuck in this hell hole.**

"**Buffy please, have a seat" he said to me softly as I neared his office.**

**I took the offered chair and let out a soft moan when I sank down.**

"**I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can get you?"**

**He was so sweet, and I wanted to thank him but my head was swimming and the words wouldn't form in my mouth; I just nodded my refusal.**

"**I heard that he was in an accident but I didn't hear what really happened. I don't know if you feel up to talking but sometimes it helps to….let it out….you know…if you need to."**

**I was afraid to speak the words out loud. It was as though if I said it then it had to be real and right now I was holding on to the small miracle that this was all just a bad dream, a horrible nightmare, and I would wake up in my warm bed snuggled up to my husband. **

**But no, this wasn't a dream, it was reality; it was happening, and it was my life. I should have known that it was real because hey, it's me; my life was never easy, never happily ever after, not for very long anyway. **

**So I cleared my throat and prepared to relay the whole sad tragic tale that was my life. **

**I closed my eyes tight willing the looming tears to stay back, I choked down the large knot that was lodged in my throat and took a deep breath. As I opened my eyes and looked upon my friends face, I saw his soft caring expression, his nearly moist eyes, and I let out a long cleansing breath before I spoke.**

"**He was coming home from work. It was raining hard and the Semi lost control, they said it jack-knifed then….flipped over after it hit him. The paramedics said it was quick and they doubt he felt…." I choked on the words as the tears I had been trying so hard to hold back begin to trickle down my cheeks.**

"**Sorry, I just….I can't believe it happened so fast and …..Oh God I can't believe he's really gone."**

**My body is racked with tremors as I fully break down into hard painful sobs. My friend quickly rises and sprints over to put an arm around me and I turn into his embrace holding him for dear life. It takes me several long minutes to compose myself and I apologize profusely when we finally separate.**

"**No Buffy, its ok, I'm glad that I can be here for you. I'm sorry you have to go through this; it's a terrible way to lose a loved one. I should know…."and he left the rest unspoken as he slowly walks back to his seat.**

"**Thank you, I didn't mean to go all blubber-y on you. How about if we get this over with, I should be getting home soon?"**

"**Sure I have some things for you to sign and then you need to pick out a-a…coffin." **

**I instantly cringed at his final words feeling the full weight of the grave task I am here to accomplish. I give him a weak smile and he picked up a few papers and handed them to me.**

**He began talking business immediately, and I tried to listen as carefully as I could but at some point my mind started to go into a haze again and I tuned him out. Awful thoughts began to swirl around my head as my eyes glazed over. I stared at his mouth as it moved but the sound of his voice no longer registered in my ears.**

**I didn't snap out of my fog until he handed me a book of caskets. I began flipping through the pages not really knowing what I was doing as my eyes scanned the various items dizzily. **

**Panic began to rise in my body at the thought of having to choose this vessel of death, this damned awful box to house the body of the man I just lost, and I could no longer stand to hold the book in my hands. It felt like pure evil and it made my skin crawl and burn with every page I turned. I couldn't do this anymore and with a shaky finger I haphazardly pointed to something on one of the pages.**

"**Good choice. I will get on this right away" he said as he took down the number on the page and left the room.**

**I stared at the object in the picture briefly then quickly snapped it shut and laid it on the desk in front of me. I desperately wanted to do something to take my mind off what I just had to do. Scanning the room, my eyes came upon a small shelf behind the desk.**

**There were a few scattered items on it, a crucifix, a small red bible, and a beautiful cross on a thin chain that was draped across the bible.**

**It was just a plain cross, nothing spectacular about it but it stood out so boldly against the red leather of the bible and for some reason it seemed so familiar. It was a shiny silver but very small, and after staring at it for a while something popped into my head.**

**It was the first spark of memory, the first hint of thought that I had allowed my mind to have of **_**him**_**. I had tried so hard over the years to wash away those memories, to push them to the farthest reaches of my mind and not look back. But all of a sudden the things that I had worked so hard at forgetting, the things that had haunted my dreams for years, the feelings and memories that I had tried to repress came crashing down, and at that moment something broke in me.**

**Tears began to pour from my eyes and my body began to shake from the intensity of the feelings that pounded down over me. My breath hitched and I bellowed loudly in the small room unable to control my emotions.**

**I was totally lost in my misery until tiny fingers stretched out to mine. I looked at her through tear soaked red eyes and my heart broke a little more. Here I was caught up in my own misery and I had totally forgotten that my daughter was sitting next to me.**

**She gave me a withering smile and handed me her tiny box of tissues. I gladly accepted it and tried to regain my composure. I needed to be strong, I needed to keep it together, I needed to stop thinking about myself and get my emotions under control. So for her, my beautiful little miracle, I straitened out my posture, blew my nose, and then smoothed my hand down her silky brown hair.**

**She seemed to brighten a bit at my action and I sucked in a deep breath of air letting it out slowly and wished away my sorrows for her sake.**

"**Don't be sad mommy, Jesus will take care of daddy" she said to me in her sweet little sing song voice.**

**I tried to pull up the corners of my mouth to give her a smile but it was just too painful.**

"**Thank you baby, I know he is in good hands. I love you." I stated quietly for fear if I spoke louder my voice may crack from the grief.**

**Gunn came in a few minutes later assuring me that he would take care of everything and I took a small comfort in knowing there was at least one thing I didn't have to worry about.**

**I gave him my thanks then quickly grabbed Samantha and rushed out the door. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 1**

**I spent the entire drive home thinking about how bad my life was going to become, and I let the tears fall continuously.**

**My mind was constantly pondering what was happening and what was to come. **

**And here I thought that I was finally happy with my life. I had a loving husband who was a wonderful father and provider, and a great house in a secure quiet neighborhood. We had a beautiful little girl. I thought that things were just starting to fall into place for us.**

**I should have known it wouldn't last; I mean when, if ever, has my life ever been**_** that**_** easy? So on one horrific night it all came to an end. My husband of eight wonderful years, my best friend, was taken from me in the most awful way. **

**After I cried all the tears my body could produce, I carefully made my way back home from the funeral parlor. I put Samantha down for a nap we were both exhausted from the last few tiring days, and curled up on the couch with a hot cup of tea to clear my mind. **

**At some point I found myself digging thru my jewelry box pulling out the silver cross that was on my mind earlier that day. I sat on the couch and stared at it for long moments letting my thoughts open up to the person who had given it to me all those years ago.**

**I knew it was not the best time for me to be digging up old memories but at the moment I was willing to let my mind go anywhere but the harsh reality that I was currently living. It only lasted a short while before the phone and the door bell began to ring, and I had to file those memories away again. **

**I picked myself up, washed my face, and opened my front door to my family. Don't get me wrong, I love my family but all I really wanted was to be alone, something that I was not going to get no matter how much I wanted it.**

**The next day I was once again in the funeral home facing more than just my family. I was stuck talking with people having to relive all the horrors that were currently my life, and roaming around trying desperately to remove the eerie feeling that clung to my skin.**

**No matter how much time I actually spent in this place it still creeped me out.**

**The early viewing was uneventful and we came home to rest for a few hours before coming back for the evening viewing. I curled up on my bed with my daughter and watched her chest slowly rise and fall as she slept peacefully in the comfort of my arms.**

**When it was time to go back to the funeral home my body began to tingle and shake. I thought it was from lack of sleep, and very little to eat but something in the back of my mind was yelling that it was something entirely different.**

**I was idly talking to someone when my friend Willow approached with an odd look on her face.**

"**What's that matter Will, you look like you just saw a ghost."**

**Willow gave me withering look and shook her head.**

"**Well kind of. You're never going to guess who just walked in."**

**One look on my face and she knew she didn't need to finish that statement. I knew exactly who was there. I felt him the moment he stepped foot in the building.**

"**Angelus," I whispered and Willow gave me a sad smile. **

**She grabbed my hand and gave it a light squeeze. **

**We both sat down on a couch near by and Samantha snuggled up on my lap. I wrapped my arms securely around her to comfort both her and myself.**

**I tried hard not to look the room over for him, only focusing on my hands smoothing down my daughters hair but she began to wiggle and mutter she need to potty. We shared a short giggle as Willow offered to walk her to the ladies room and Sam jumped up grabbing Willow's hand dragging her from the room.**

**My brief moment of mirth is cut short as my eyes briefly scan the crowd to find Angelus talking with Giles. The sight of him takes my breath away and I can feel my pulse quicken at just the sight of him.**

**I could never understand what it was about that man that made my body react the way it did. He was like a drug that I could never get enough of, and my body craved his like no other.**

**I couldn't turn my eyes away from him even as people passed by to speak their condolences. I simply nodded to them respectfully as my eyes stayed trained on Angelus. He must have felt the weight of my stare and his eyes finally landed on mine. I didn't think my heart could beat any faster than it was but once his eyes bore into me it felt like my heart would explode.**

**I held my breath trying to calm my rapid heart beat and I let it out in gulping breaths when he turned away from me. I felt like his stare was scorching me from the inside out and I felt an over whelming sense of shame wash over me for allowing the feelings to creep in. **

**I closed my eyes and tried to focus on something else, anything to force the feelings aside but before I could open them again I heard him softly utter my name. I small sigh escaped my lips before I could stop it and I slowly opened my eyes to greet him.**

"**Angelus," I say softly back to him.**

**I rise from my seat and he reaches for my hand. I feel the warmth of his skin as he squeezes my hand and a spark of electricity bolts through my body at the contact.**

**He starts to say how sorry he is and the tears begin to trickle down my cheeks. I lose the ability to speak or stop the sudden flow of tears that escape and the more he talks the faster the tears fall. **

**I look into his eyes and see the sadness he shares with me just before he pulls me into his arms in a crushing hug. My arms instinctively wrap around his body and I bury my face in his chest giving into my grief and accepting his welcoming comfort.**

**I try so hard not to break down but when he starts to whisper softly into my ear, I let loose the pain that I had been holding deep inside. It was more that just the loss of Riley; it was also the long buried pain of walking away from the one person I loved the most. **

**We stood there for long moments and I did my best to calm down. He smoothed his large warm hands on my back and I breathed in his scent deeply hoping to hold on to the moment as long as I could. It had been so long since I had been in his arms and I wanted to remember that smell later when I was alone.**

**He stayed at my side the rest of the night. I needed his support; his presence made me feel safe and protected which is kind of ironic when I really think about it.**

**At the end of the night I invited him back to our house for coffee and to catch up. To my utter disappointment he said no and gave me a sweet kiss on my forehead before leaving. I can't blame him for walking away that night, after all, I was the one who walked away first.**

**It's been four long months now since that night and I can't remove the memory of his arms wrapped around me. I dream about him every night and when I wake I feel guilty that it's he and not my dearly departed husband.**

**My waking hours are filled with memories of my husband and all the good times we had together. I miss Riley so much and I wish he were still with me but when I sleep at night my mind always goes back to **_**him. **_

**I couldn't afford to keep our house so I was forced to sell it shortly after Riley's funeral. Willow and her room mate Tara offered to rent a place with us and after much brooding over my finances I agreed. It's hard having to live with someone else after all these years but I have known Willow for so long that it makes it feel like home.**

**One Friday night I put Sam to bed and joined my two room mates for some wine and a movie. We opened the wine put the movie in and started to talk about old times.**

**Tara had only been around for a few years and she was eager to hear our childhood stories. We drank and talked and laughed for hours. I'm not sure when the conversation went from talking about school, parties, and fun to Angelus. But in the back of my mind I knew that if we talked about our past he would definitely come up.**

**I was married to Riley, and he was more than just my spouse, he was my best friend, and I loved him very much; I will cherish the memories we made together. But I, my self, always believed there was only one person on this earth that was your other half, your missing piece, your soul mate, and I always knew it was Angelus.**

**The only problem with us was that our love was so hot, so passionate, so out of control, that it would have killed us both. I knew that I drove him to the edge and back again almost too many times. So in the end it was Riley I chose and not my soul mate.**

**Tara wanted to know about Angelus, she saw us together at the funeral home. She said she felt the love radiate from us and she wanted to know more, she wanted to know what could have happed to push us apart.**

"**I mean don't get me wrong I loved Riley and I always thought you had something great but after I saw you with Angelus I started to wonder. I mean it looked like you guys have……I don't know, like a special bond or something. What could have happened that drove you so far apart?"**

**That was **_**THE**_** question. The one I knew he always wanted to ask me but I never gave him the chance; which is probably another reason why he walked away that night in the funeral home and didn't look back.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 2**

**I have never told anyone why I did what I did. If I really look at it I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want anyone to try and talk me out of it, not that anyone would have. I mean who am I kidding, no one wanted us together anymore in the end.**

**So I sat back and looked at them, my two friends, and thought of how I should start this conversation. Should I tell them all of it, all the horrible things I kept inside? Should I bring out all of the painful repressed memories that only I kept hidden deep? That was the ultimate question and I waged a stormy war in my mind over it.**

**I had already punished myself long ago for the things I did and didn't do and I was scared of the reaction I may get but these were things of the past. Things that were done and over with and I needed to be rid of the emotions, to be rid of these memories that kept me guarded all these years so I could finally move on. I thought that maybe, just maybe if I bared my soul and told them everything that I might finally be able to put my past behind me and move on with a clean conscience. **

"**Well, I guess I should start at the very beginning. Willow knows most of the good parts but there are other things, things I should tell you both that I have never told anyone."**

"**You mean like what **_**really **_**happed that night at Jenny's?" Willow said with a curious look on her face.**

"**That and….more-that is….if you want to hear it?" I say quietly with a guilty expression on my face unsure of what reaction I would get from my long time friend.**

"**Buffy please we're your friends. You can tell us anything, you know I would never judge you, you are my best friend…I love you," Willow said as she grasped my hand.**

**I smiled feeling more comfortable, and with renewed self assurance I began my tale. **

_**&&&&&&&&**_

_**I guess I was about fifteen when I met Angelus. I had just moved into the area and he worked at the garage down the street from our house. I got off the bus every day and watched him as I walked slowly by hoping that someday he would notice me.**_

_**I thought he was the most gorgeous man I had ever laid eyes on. He was tall, with dark hair and the most luscious body….mmmm I can still picture him standing in that garage with a tight tee-shirt and jeans with all that oil on him….yum, oh and his tight buns in those jeans….wait…. I'm off track…sorry.**_

_**So that was what I did for a while; I watched him from a distance until one night at a party we were finally introduced. I can remember it like it was yesterday. **_

_**We talked for a long time and if you asked me even then what we discussed I wouldn't be able to tell you. All I did was stare into his beautiful brown eyes, glance over his perfectly sculptured body, and imagine his hands all over mine. Then later that night he walked me home. **_

_**When we reached my front door he asked me for my number and I thought my heart stopped. I wrote it down quickly and when I reached out to hand it to him he grabbed my hand and pulled me forward. I remember my body shaking with anticipation as I saw his eyes close when his lips touched mine; it was breath taking…by far the best kiss I had ever had.**_

_**The moment his lips touched mine I knew, right then and there, that he was the one. A tingly feeling went from my lips down my throat into my stomach and I thought I was going to explode. He was 'The one' the one that I would spend eternity with, the one person I was meant to meet and fall in love with, he was my knight in shining armor…my prince on a white horse….the yin to my yang…you get the picture. **_

_**It didn't take long for me to lose myself in him. I fell for him hard and fast. I thought about him every waking minute. In school I would write his name with mine over and over again and every night when I slept he was in my dreams; I just couldn't get enough of him. I was like a junkie and he was the drug.**_

_**I tried to see him every day and if not we talked on the phone. We went to parties together; we hung out with our friends at the pier near my house. It was fantastic and I thought that I was constantly floating on cloud nine.**_

_**I know that I was so young then, barely sixteen, and already in love with a guy nearly two years older than me but he made me feel so good, so loved, so special that I just fell deeper and deeper; so deep in fact that I didn't see anything or anyone but him.**_

_**So when things began to turn more serious I didn't even think twice about it. He was all I could see, or hear, or taste, and at the time he was all that mattered.**_

_**Our make out sessions were getting hotter and more frantic and I can clearly remember hands wandering into uncharted territory for me. I was exhilarated and scared at the same time. **_

_**So every time I said no or stopped him when it became too intense he would get frustrated and leave. **_

_**One day he just stopped calling me and I found myself chasing him down in the neighborhood at night. I thought that he was staying away from me because he wanted sex and I wasn't ready and after I found the courage to confront him he confessed that it was. **_

_**So I, the stupid one, told him that I was not a virgin and it was no big deal. Boy was I wrong on so many levels. **_

_**The first night we were together was very special and I will never forget it but I should never have lied to him. I should have told him the truth, I should have told him that he was the first to love me this way, the first to touch places that no one ever has, and after he left that night I cried for hours. **_

_**I didn't cry from the physical pain, though there was that also, but instead I cried from the emotional pain of not telling him the truth. **_

_**I lied about my virginity and after our love making he told me in the most heart breaking way that he wished he was my first. He stared at me with those soulful brown eyes and I wanted to kill myself. **_

_**I hurt so bad inside and I desperately wanted to tell him the truth but I just couldn't. What would he think of me then, would he even believe me? I just didn't know and that hurt more than anything.**_

_**After that night our relationship changed, I think we became…I don't know… closer and the sex became…..lets just say intense and leave it at that. **_

_**Once we became comfortable with each other my love turned into an obsession. I just couldn't imagine a day going by that I didn't see him, feel him, make love to him and I hoped it was the same for him. But sometimes he seemed so withdrawn, so far away, and when I asked him about certain things like his past he would change the subject.**_

_**It was so frustrating, I felt like I had given him everything, told him everything there was to know, and he was hiding things from me. But then I would remember the lie that I told him and I would let it go, so afraid that if I pushed too much he would know something was wrong.**_

_**Other than that I thought things were great for a really long time. We hung out with our friends, went to parties, and had the most mind blowing sex of my life. Then one day things began to change.**_

_**Out of his past an old friend emerged. Now at first I was excited to hear that he was going to let me in on a little of his past since he had always been tight lipped about it. Then when I came face to face with this old friend I found that I had already met him.**_

_**The guy turned out to be Spike and what Angelus didn't know at the time was his friend had been introduced to me a few months before we met and he had asked me out.**_

_**Things didn't work out and I never went out with Spike but this news did not sit well with Angelus. He constantly asked me to tell him about the night we met and why I didn't go out with his friend. He made me feel like I was lying to him or that I even cheated on him but I stood my ground and assured him we never did. And some how I just never got the feeling that he believed me or Spike.**_

_**Once Spike was back in town I saw a lot less of Angelus. I didn't like it but he didn't leave me much choice in the matter. I would call him and he would be out or I would go to the pier and he would be there with Spike. I felt like Angelus was pushing me away, almost like he was trying to get rid of me and a burning jealousy began to consume me.**_

_**Instead of blaming myself or Angelus for our sudden change in relationship, I blamed Spike.**_

_**He suddenly became enemy number one. I felt like he was purposely keeping Angelus away and when we were at parties together I would start a fight so we could leave and I would have Angelus all to myself.**_

_**I guess he didn't like my change of attitude but what did he expect; I was fighting constantly for his attention and did what I had to do to get it, which caused a terrible fight one night. I yelled at him, he yelled at me and by the end of the argument I was convinced that it was Angelus and not Spike doing the running.**_

_**So after that I made it a point to get to know Spike better and try to bury the hatchet. If Angelus thought he could use Spike as a crutch or an excuse to push me away I was determined to put an end to it.**_

_**Getting to know Spike wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and things turned out pretty good. Once I finally let down my guard and saw Spike for who he really was he turned out to be the life of the party. **_

_**He was funny and handsome and he always kept things interesting. I found out that he was witty and charming when he wanted to be and even my mother enjoyed having him around at times.**_

_**We all became great friends and started spending even more time with each other. Angelus tried to pull away at times but Spike seemed to be able to draw him back in and I always made it a point to thank him for it when we had a moment alone.**_

_**One night Angelus got really drunk and started a fight with me in front of our friends. I can't even remember what really started it but it escalated into a shouting match where he out right accused me of sleeping with Spike. **_

_**I burst into tears and began swearing that it wasn't true but the more I cried the angrier he seemed to become. Thankfully Spike managed to play damage control and stop it before it got worse. I was so grateful and later that night I pulled him aside to thank him giving him a friendly hug and when I pulled away I saw Angelus staring at me with fire in his eyes.**_

_**When I tried to talk to him about it he shrugged it off and changed the subject. He acted like it was no big deal and I mistakenly took that as a good sign and went back to talking and having fun with our friends.**_

_**I thought that if I tried harder, that if I made up with his best friend that things would go back to normal and I would have him back the way we used to be but I was sadly mistaken. **_

_**One brief hug, only a friendly gesture of thanks to Spike and my world turned upside down. A few short days after that night Angelus broke up with me, and I thought my world stopped spinning.**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Chapter 3**_

_**Now you would think that his breaking up with me would be the end of the story but it's far from over.**_

_**He called me and said 'I don't think we should see each other anymore' and my heart shattered into a million pieces. There was no way in hell that I was going to let him just break up with me for no good reason. **_

_**I hung up the phone, dressed in my sexiest of outfits, and sauntered on down to his house determined to change his mind.**_

_**He was at Spike's house working on an old truck Spike's father had bought at a junk yard and wanted to restore. **_

_**He asked me what I was doing there and the icy tone of his voice together with the blank nonchalant stare cracked my hardened surface that I had built up on the way over. Before I could even speak a word I burst into tears and I was so determined not to do that before I came. I saw a faint sign of guilt in his eyes when he saw the tears start but he turned his back quickly and let out a frustrated sigh.**_

_**I begged him to tell me why, why he didn't want me anymore, why he was being so cold to me, and the more he ignored the questions the more desperate my pleas became.**_

_**The only phrase he kept repeating was that he just wanted to be friends, and every time he said it my body would shake just a little harder. His words were cutting me to pieces and my legs felt like they could no longer support me.**_

_**Spike got angry and told Angelus to take it somewhere else so with an irritated look in my direction he headed back to his house. As soon as we walked into his room he closed the door I grabbed him in a fierce hug crying my eyes out. **_

_**I pleaded non-stop into his chest not to leave me, to please give us another chance and after several long moments of my shouting and crying he wrapped his arms around me and held me tight.**_

_**I don't know what was going through his head at that moment but he suddenly crushed my body tight against his and I instantly began to calm down. He kissed my forehead and pushed me back to look into my eyes, what I saw there still sends shivers down my spine.**_

_**He attacked my lips with an intensity that I have never felt from him before. It was hungry and passionate but possessive at the same time; it felt like he was claming me and I melted giving him everything he wanted.**_

_**It was like a tornado came in and robbed me of my clothing, I was nude in the blink of an eye and open for his hungry eyes. He took control that day and I played the submissive toy for his enjoyment. If he had asked me to rob a bank or walk off a cliff that day I would have done it; I would have done anything to keep him with me.**_

_**The makeup sex that day was something that was burned into my memory. I dream of it sometimes and I swear I can still feel his hands on my body, his tongue on my flesh, and oh god we moved heaven and earth that day. He consumed my entire being and I willingly gave him a part of my soul that day that he will always posse. **_

_**And it was all because I was so scared, so heart broken that he didn't want or need me anymore that if he changed his mind and left me I would die.**_

_**He walked me home later that night and before I left him he asked me questions I didn't understand until later. He asked me if I was absolutely sure that I wanted to be with him and without hesitation I said yes; he shook his head at me looking…so…..well almost disappointed. **_

_**Then he told me I was making a mistake and I should walk away now before things got too complicated. He said that I was too young, and he shouldn't be doing this with me and when my tears started again he grabbed me and kissed me with such a force that it took my breath away.**_

_**I was so confused and his speech scared the hell out of me and my mind was screaming at me to do something before I lost him again. I dug my hands into his hair and kissed him with everything I had trying to relay my feelings and fears and it must have done something to him because when we pulled apart he gasped for breath and mumbled something so softly I couldn't hear it.**_

_**I stared at him with curiosity as he kissed me again this time when his lips left mine I heard what I have been waiting to hear…. "I love you."**_

_**I couldn't hold back the smile and I returned the sediment with equal fervor kissing his face and neck repeating his words back to him **_**I love you, I love you, I love you…..**

_**He seemed different after that. He opened up to me and told me how he really felt and my heart soared. I always felt that he loved me but he never utter the words out loud and when he did I finally felt whole.**_

_**We had long conversations after that, him telling me small details of his past and the things he wanted in the future. But after a while he began to reveal things that confused me even more. He told me he didn't want to share me with anyone including my friends, that I should leave him because he was not good for me, and I just couldn't help feeling torn inside every time he told me I should go. **_

_**But things eventually calmed down and the next six or eight months were fantastic. I started my junior year at high school and Angelus went as my date to the prom. **_

_**But as great as I felt, as secure as I thought things were between us, and as blissful as our love making would be there was always something that would make me unsure. He would say something mean then promptly take it back, or he would get drunk and accuse me and Spike of fooling around; just small things that would bother me but then they were over as fast as they started and I would push the thoughts away.**_

_**I should have seen the warning signs, I should have been paying attention to how he was acting but I was too blinded to see. **_

_**I was so lost in love that I didn't see the small changes happening in Angelus until it was too late. **_

_**I'm not sure when it was that I finally realized that there was a real problem but I think it was around when he and Spike moved in together.**_

_**They rented out the basement of Spike's brothers house. It was awesome and we all went there often and hung out together. **_

_**I think that was the same time Jenny moved into the neighborhood and we also went to her place to hang out. We had lots of fun with Jenny but Angelus didn't care too much for her. **_

_**I should have noticed his sever possessiveness then but hey, I was a carefree teenager and did what I wanted despite knowing it would be causing us.**_

_**I was glad when he and Spike first got their place but I noticed things later that just didn't seem right. They began having parties, a lot, and the drinking was getting worse and worse. **_

_**We would constantly argue over who they had at their place when I wasn't around and I got the feeling that Spike tried to cover for him more and more. **_

_**At the end of the summer I had to go visit my dad for a week in LA. I didn't want to go but I had no choice; my mother insisted and I was forced to leave.**_

_**It was the longest we had ever been apart from each other and I was dreading each day like I were in hell. **_

_**Angelus promised to call me every day and he told me he wouldn't do too much drinking but after the third day at my fathers with no word from him I began to worry.**_

_**I called Willow and Xander to go over and check on him and that was the only time I could get him to call me. I was frustrated and pissed off and I probably drove my father nuts but I couldn't stand the not knowing. **_

_**I bugged my friends constantly and when Xander called me later in the week to tell me that Angelus and Spike were doing more than just drinking my mind went into a tailspin. **_

_**&&&&&&&&**_

"**So what, he and Spike were doing drugs?" Tara finally spoke for the first time since I started my tale.**

"**Yes. And let me tell you if I thought I was going to have a say so in what he did and didn't do with Spike I was sadly mistaken." I say to her with distain.**

"**Well I think the big fight you guys had was about a week after you came home from your dad's, right?" Willow said quietly but I saw the look on her face and I felt the same way.**

**She looked sad and a little angry at the same time. The memories were from so long ago but they still hurt like fresh scars.**

"**I remember it well. How could ever forget the look on his face when the cops dragged him off. I don't think I have ever seen someone look so….angry" Willow said to me with a cautious look in her eyes. She acted as though she didn't want to hurt me by bringing up the painful details but they needed to be said, to be heard.**

"**Its ok Will, I need this. I need to get it out and get past it and the only way to do that is to talk about it." I tried to assure her and myself that I needed this.**

"**So, since you know what is coming why don't you tell Tara about that night."**

"**Ok, but after you tell us what really happened. I mean I saw what happened but you never said why" Willow spoke back to me softly.**

"**I know and I promise I will tell you, it's hard for me you know…to tell the whole thing. I think you would tell it better." **

**She nodded her agreement and smiled at me. I sat back and waited for her to start.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 4**

"**I remember a lot of things about that night but the thing that I remember most was you sitting there with that hurt lost look on your face; that and the look in Angelus eyes when the police car drove him away." Willow got a glazed look on her face and when Tara looked at Buffy she saw the same distant stare.**

**Buffy was lost then, lost in the past, and as flashes of it came crashing into her mind Willow began her story.**

_**FLASHBACK**_

**She was sitting on the curb visibly shaking. She had a mix of tears and blood running down her cheeks and the palms of her hands were scratched and swollen.**

**She was still panting heavily and the back of her head was pulsating with pain. She reached her hand back and ran her fingers around the tender spots only to come back with bloody digits. The skin of her check was thumping and a purple bruise was already appearing over the swelling lump covering the left side of her face. Her arm felt like it had been pulled from the socket and the gash in her knee was still trickling blood down her pants leg.**

**In the distance she could still hear the sounds of the sirens fading out into the cold night. She could feel the despair seeping into every bone in her body and all she wanted to do was climb into her bed and cry for eternity.**

**Her friend Jenny offered her a hand and guided her back up the stairs to the apartment she had just been dragged from. Jenny had assured the police that her mother was on her way to pick her up and there was no need for them to stay behind. **

**She crumpled down into the chair and closed her eyes tight trying to stop the heavy flow of tears and the throbbing ache rushing thru her body.**

**Willow and Xander followed them inside trying to find out what had caused the scene they had just witnessed the end of.**

"**What the hell happened out there Buffy?" Willow belted out as soon as she entered the apartment. "Why did he do that to you? My God tell me what happened."**

"**I think we should give her a little time Will. She has just been thru a traumatic experience. Let me get you guys a drink and I will try and fill you in on what I know so far….ok." Jenny ushered the two into the kitchen and away from the distraught girl who was now curled into a fetal position sobbing uncontrollably. **

**Jenny closed the door separating the two rooms and went to work on the drinks. Willow and Xander took a seat at the small table and began to speculate on the situation.**

"**So…..what do you think Will? I told her he was trouble. He was so all with the brooding and did I say jealous….I knew it was only a matter of time before he went nuts. Didn't you see how he acted at the party last weekend?" Xander began the same 'I-told-you-so' speech once again.**

"**Xander please let's find out what happened first before you start blaming Angel for the end of the world." Willow gave him a sad smile and patted his hand in support.**

**Jenny gave them each a tall glass of ice tea and went out to hand Buffy an ice pack for her cheek before she took a seat at the table and began her version of what happened.**

**Buffy looked as though she was in another world but she accepted the ice and mumbled a light thank you. She laid there and listened to every word of their conversation; she was just too distraught to respond back to anything they said.**

"**Were do I start? I will try and tell you what I saw but its still a little fuzzy…it happened so fast I didn't really have time to…. Ok I'll start at the beginning." Jenny took a deep breath to calm down. **

"**I had just finished cleaning up from dinner when I heard someone pounding on my door. It startled me because it wasn't your normal 'hello I'm here to visit' rap, was more of a…. 'Please let me in fast' kind of knock. I opened the door and Buffy darted in as soon as I cracked it." **

**Jenny shifted uncomfortably in her chair. She looked like it was painful just reliving the last few minutes but at Willows kind smile she continued.**

"**I think I heard her yell "lock the door….he's coming." I was stunned and it took me a few seconds to register what she was saying until I heard my son screaming as he was running up the steps towards me. **

**He dove into the door and slammed it shut. The next thing I know Angelus is banging on the door screaming for us to open it. Devon leaned his body up against the door when Angelus starting kicking at it like a mad man. He was yelling, cussing, and it all happened so fast l…I still…..just can't believe….."**

**Jenny's hands began to shake and that all familiar fear was evident in her eyes. She took a long drink from her tea hoping that the cool liquid running down her throat would wash away the horrible feeling she had. **

"**How did he get in? I mean he must have if everyone was outside." Willow impatiently began to shift in her seat and couldn't help the words from escaping her lips. **

"**He was totally crazed. Like some rabid animal…screaming and kicking at the door. After that didn't work he started slamming his body into the door as hard as he could. I tried to tell him to stop…that I was calling the police but he just kept hitting the door over and over again….oh God Willow…..I have never seen anything like it." **

**Jenny couldn't stop the tears flowing down her cheeks. Buffy heard the soft sobs coming from her friend but her body was so spent she didn't have the energy to get up and offer her any comfort so she laid there and waited for her to continue. **

"**I called 911 but before I could hang up the phone Angelus had the door open and he punched Devon in the face….he fell into the closet and broke the door. I was so worried about Devon I didn't see Angelus pull Buffy out the door….but….but I did hear her screaming all the way down the three flights of stairs. When I looked into the stairwell I could see he was dragging her by her hair. I ran down to see if I could stop him but when I got down to the bottom he had her on the sidewalk out front screaming in her face. He was cussing and waving his arms like a mad man and all Buffy did was push him away but…then I saw it….he….he…hit her so hard. Oh God…..why-why couldn't I stop him."**

**Jenny broke down again and Buffy could hear that Willow had joined her. **

**After a few moments they both calmed but by now Xander had decided to speak his mind. The harshness of his voice made her shudder and she pulled her arms around her a little tighter.**

"**I'm going to kill that son-of-a-bitch! That crazy bastard belongs behind bars. Hope they show him some true California police brutality while he's in there. I know your pressing charges right."**

"**Please Xander. I think Buffy has had enough excitement for one night." Willow whispered softly to Xander.**

"**Willow is right Xander we should let Buffy rest. I need to check on Devon anyway. Besides I don't think we need to press any charges on Angelus for Devon, the police witnessed first hand the attack on Buffy. He was still throwing her around like a rag doll when they showed up. It took three cops to pull him off of her."**

**Jenny looked on the verge of tears again and Xander quickly got up to leave. **

"**Yea I think we better get home before Buffy's mom gets here. I don't know that I want to be a witness to Joyce's wrath tonight." Willow said softly and Buffy cringed at the thought.**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 5

I was so lost in the memories of that night that I missed the whole story Willow told. So lost even that I failed to notice that the room became eerily quiet as my two friends watched my face twist and contort revealing all the emotions the memories caused.

When Willow could take it no longer she reached out and grabbed my hand drawing me out of my stupor.

"Buffy are you ok?"

I jerked back at the sudden contact but as my mind cleared I settled back and gave her a friendly warm smile.

"I'm fine, just taking a stroll down memory lane. I guess I got a little caught up."

"Yea I guess you did. So you were going to tell us what caused that scene that night."

Willow sat back and gave me her determined look making sure I knew that I would not be getting out of revealing the events no matter how painful they may be.

"I did, and I will but I think there is a little back story needed here first," I say as I pour another glass of wine.

I settled back with my glass firmly in hand, taking a large drink, and letting my mind wander back as the smooth liquid ran down my throat giving me the courage to go on.

FLASHBACK

I got home late on Sunday afternoon from my fathers. All I had on my mind was finding Angelus and showing him how much I missed him. My mother had other plans for me and much to my dismay my entire Sunday afternoon was spent school shopping.

I hemmed and hawed as my mother would have called it and did my best to drive her insane in hopes that she would call it quits and I could fulfill my hopes in seeing my love.

I didn't get to Angelus until well after seven that evening and by then, he and Spike were in full party mode.

It seemed as though the entire population of Sunnydale was in their tiny basement apartment and it took me several minutes of wading through drunken classmates to find him.

When I finally spotted him my rage boiled inside. There he sat with not one but two of the most flirtatious and sleazy girls I knew to attend Sunnydale High School.

Not only did he not call me the entire six hellish days I spent in LA but he was allowing these tramps to paw all over what was mine. Before he noticed me heading towards him I grabbed his arm pulling him from the couch and dragged him to his room.

I didn't even need to say anything to clear that space out because as soon as I stepped into the room the look in my eyes and the nasty scowl on my face sent them all scrambling from the area.

I slammed the door shut and cut into him like a knife.

"What the hell was all that out there," I demanded standing in his face.

"What? Just a little party to welcome you home baby," he said with his sexy sultry voice and I felt my anger begin to ebb when he graced me with that half grin. I had missed him so badly that I had to fight the urge to go running into his arms.

He moved closer to me and I felt the tears begin to sting my eyes. I didn't want my anger to fade so I turned away from him in order to keep my mind clear. I was hurt, I was furious, and I was determined to make him feel every bit of it.

"Don't think that you can sweet talk your way out of this. I saw you with Harmony and her lackey."

"What, you mean those two. No baby I was just talking, biding my time until you got here," he said with a smirk as he slowly turned me around, and I felt a fiery rage begin to take over.

"Did you even miss me at all? What…you couldn't pick up the damn phone one time to say hello, or I miss you or fuck….. Did you even wonder what I was doing or who I was with?" I spit out loudly knowing that would assuredly piss him off.

I turned my back to him again not wanting him to see the tears that were now rolling down my cheeks. I heard a sound almost like a growl and he grabbed my arms hard spinning me around to face his angry scowl.

His face was twisted in rage, and I could feel his hot moist breath on my face; my anger turned to fear in an instant. The look in his eyes was almost pure hatred and he began shaking me as he spoke.

"What do you mean who you were with?" he grunted out almost animalistic sounding and goose bumps rose on my skin with each word he spoke.

I began to panic and my heart started to thump wildly in my chest. I was mad, no I was hurt, and I wanted him to feel the same pain I was but I had no idea that he would react this way. My mind began to spin with fear and I tried, I really tried to think of something to say that would make the look that he was now giving me go away but scream and run were the only things currently coming to mind.

My mouth opened and closed several times but I was so frightened that my throat felt like it was closed and no sounds could come out. The longer I stared at him without an answer the angrier he became. His fingers started digging deeper into my flesh and I knew that there would be bruises left behind. He only kept saying "answer me," and the more he yelled it the bigger the lump in my throat got.

I swallowed hard and tried to calm down enough to speak but the sheer look of malice on his face made it so hard.

"I…I just…missed you," I finally croaked out barely audible to even my ears.

I felt like I was going to die, yes he was going to kill me; he had that murderous look about him and I thought I may wet my pants at any moment. My breath hitched and my arms ached where he was gripping them so tight. I waited for him to say something, do something before the tension in the room closed all the air off and I stopped breathing all together.

His grip softened and he closed his eyes breathing deep before his lips crashed into mine and my fear kidded up another notch. He pulled back and looked at me for a brief moment before he kissed me again this time softer. At first the kiss was soft and loving and my fear began to fade, then it deepened and became more demanding so by the time he pulled away I was totally breathless.

He pulled me towards the bed and before I knew what was happening my shirt was gone and he was pulling at the legs of my jeans. He stared down at me with those piercing brown eyes and hatred was now replaced with need and lust. I should have been scared, I should have been worried if I would ever leave the room again but I had missed him so much, and I couldn't stop the instant reaction my body had to his.

"Don't ever play me like that Buffy," he said as he turned and walked to his bedroom door locking it then swiftly moving back towards me shedding his cloths.

His voice was stern but laced with sexual intent and if I had any fear left it was quickly replaced by a building lust. I should have stopped him, I should have talked more about why he was so angry but I needed him, I wanted him so badly.

My need to be with him, to have him want me, loving me, out weighed my fear and my doubt and I gave in too easily.

His hands smoothed up my legs across my stomach up to the valley between my breasts, and then slowly to my neck when his lips found mine and my body caught fire. Each touch, each caress, each dip and curve he smoothed his hands over built a desire that soared to epic proportions.

I missed his touch so much, craved it so bad that I lost all control over my thoughts and gave in to the lust. It was like a slow erotic dance of flesh and tongue, skin on skin, and I never wanted it to end. Even if he didn't tell me that he missed me his touch said so much more.

He was totally dominating, pounding into me with a hard and fast fury but I accepted every ounce of it, reveled in it, and gave as well as I got. It didn't last long before we both succumbed to rapture and it left us both panting and gasping for air.

He pulled out of me slowly and lie next to me still trying to catch his breath. I felt an immediate loss and I couldn't stop the soft whimpers and tears that started. He pulled me close and I cried into his chest as he hushed me quietly.

When I calmed and my eyes started to feel heavy I heard him clear his throat knowing he was about to tell me something. I sat up and looked into his eyes trying to see if he was still upset with me but what I saw in his eyes was puzzling.

"I did miss you," he said then kissed me lightly.

That was all explanation or apology I got from him that night. He never said he was sorry for not calling me or for scaring me but I accepted his words and took that as his admission of guilt.

We dressed and joined the party once again but this time he never let me leave his side.

Any time someone came up to talk to me he scowled and got snippy especially if the person was male. Xander tried several times to talk to me but Angelus gave him dirty looks and kept whispering mean things in my ear to stop me.

I should have seen it coming. I should have tried to talk to him more; maybe assure him that nothing happened at my dads but I didn't and things got progressively worse.

He called me every day after school, made me come to his place every night, and stay with him until I had to go home. No friends, no parties, no mall or shopping, and I got really irritated with him by the end of the week.

I mean don't get me wrong, I wanted to be with him, I wanted to spend time with him but I needed a life too and I missed my friends.

When I asked him to go to Jenny's with me he refused, when I asked him to go to the pier with my friends he refused, and by Saturday I was about to climb the walls.

Saturday night finally came and he told me that he and Spike had to do something. I tried to play it cool and act like I didn't like it but inside I was screaming with excitement.

He asked me where I would be and I told him either home or at Willow's and he made me promise to be home by eleven saying he would call to check. He was pointedly stern about my not going anywhere but Willow's and I agreed just to please him.

They left and I nearly sprinted to Jenny's house. I was so glad to have some time to myself and I wanted to see my friend since it had been a few weeks since my last visit.

We had a great time just talking and catching up and I told her about Angelus's strange behavior lately. I was having such a good time that I didn't notice how late it was and by the time I got home it was after midnight.

The next day I waited and waited for him to call but he never did. As the day went on I got worried and called his house several times but no answer. I never knew where or what he and Spike did the night before but I should have known it wasn't good.

I didn't want to fight with him about my being out the night before so late but I was worried and I went to his house anyway.

When they finally answered the door I was shocked to say the least. They looked strung out like they had been on an all night binge that was still going strong.

The room stunk like old booze and something else that I didn't quit know. Spike went stumbling back into the room giggling like an idiot and tripped landing flat on his face.

"Hey Peaches look what the cat dragged in," he slurred as he pulled himself from the floor and flopped in a near by chair.

Angelus gave me a smile that made my skin crawl. I had seen that look before and I knew I was in trouble.

"Baby come here and give me a kiss," he hissed out between his clenched teeth.

I walked towards him but before I could bend to kiss him he grabbed me and pulled me roughly into his lap grinding his erection into my rear. I closed my eyes tight and wished with all my might that he took me to his room and finished pawing at me there but instead he wrapped his hand around my waist and thrust his hips up hard into me.

I let out a squeak and he smashed his lips into mine. He tasted like liquor and I pushed him back away from me hastily. I tried to get up from his lap but he held me firmly in place.

"Please Angelus lets go to your room," I pleaded with him.

He kissed me again and I had to fight the urge to vomit from the taste.

"What's the matter baby…shy," he asked but by the look in his eyes I knew he didn't expect an answer.

Spike found the whole thing amusing and began to clap like a retard and when Angelus started to laugh I jumped up from his lap and ran to his room.

He came after me; I knew he would and closed the door behind him. He sauntered towards me looking like a predator closing in on its prey. His hair was mangled; his cloths looked like they had been on him for days and the smug evil look on his face made me want to piss my pants.

I backed up slowly until I hit the wall and he eerily laughed again. It sounded sinister, evil even, and the hair on my body began to rise with the dread flowing through me.

"Where were you last night lover? I called but you weren't there. Should I be worried?"

Oh God I was scared. The sound of his voice was steady and cold but the look in his eyes betrayed his intent and I felt his words cut into me. I knew he was mad and I was about to find out just how much.

I was so frightened, so caught off guard that I blurted out Jenny's name before I even had a chance to stop myself and I regretted that from the moment the words left my lips.

He became enraged, his face turned a shade of red that I couldn't begin to describe and he started to spout off things wildly. I didn't understand anything that he was saying, he was making no sense but the only thought I had was to run.

He picked up the lamp on the table and threw it against the wall next to me and I hit the floor afraid that it was aimed at me.

When I looked up he walked to the other side of the room to grab something else. I ran at the door flung it open and bolted from the house as fast as I could. I didn't stop running until I hit Jenny's street.

Devon was on the corner and saw me coming. He stopped and asked me what was wrong and I was so out of breath that all I could say was help and we both ran to his mothers' house.

**  
**


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 6

Willow's stare began to bother me and I grabbed my glass and filled it once again. I didn't know what she was thinking and her silence began to worry me. Did she think I was crazy? Did she think I deserved what I got?

I knew that things were getting bad with Angelus but I kept going back for more.

"Willow please, say something you're starting to freak me out."

"Sorry Buffy, I just….had no idea it was that bad. I mean I kind of had an idea but never…that," she said to me.

"Yea, I know but drugs will do funny things to you. I know he never meant to hurt me but I think he was just so stoned that he lost all control," I state back quietly.

"So, what happened to him after the cops took him?" Tara said sounding a little hesitant to speak.

"He was released the next day without bail. He had never been in trouble before so he got off easy. My mother made me go to court when the time came but I refused to say anything and they dropped the case. Believe me when I say that my mother was mad for a long time after that."

"Oh I remember. I think it was months before we saw you at the pier again," Willow added.

"Angelus and I stayed apart for months after that. He did call me a few days after it happened to tell me that he was sorry and make sure I was okay. I wanted to have some space then but the longer we stayed apart the more depressed I became. Spike told me that Angelus was getting high all the time and even he was tired of watching him drown his sorrows in alcohol and drugs."

I sat back and let out a huge sigh. It was hard reliving all that grief but now that I had I did feel a little better.

"But you guys got back together after that," Willow said after giving me a moment to reflect.

"We did. Spike called me a couple of times and asked me to talk to him but I wanted to stay away. I loved Angelus; loved him with everything I had but I was scared and I didn't know if I could ever trust him again. Spike made it sound like Angelus had given up, like he was so depressed and lonely that all he did was get high so he didn't have to deal with his life. I felt bad but I was scared to see him face to face and then Spike laid the guilt trip on me so after about three months of staying away I found the courage to go to him again."

I took a deep breath and tried to remember what happened that day.

"I don't know what I was expecting when I first went to see him but let's just say that what I did see broke my heart. He was sitting in that dark basement in a chair covered with empty beer cans and a full ashtray next to him on the table," I chuckled from the irony of my thoughts and both my friends looked at me like I had grown a second head.

"Sorry, it just that we talked that day. He apologized more than once and after several hours of him telling me how much he loved me, how much he missed me, how much he wanted to be with me I caved. I went back to him with open arms but I never closed my eyes again. I watched everything he did, everything he said, and after he promised to stop all the drugs and drinking things seemed to get better."

I got up and began to pace the room. I needed to get past all of this small stuff. I needed to get to the other part of my life story, the part that I am still regretting until this day. I was seriously debating on weather I should go on or just leave it at that. My mind played over and over the past and I knew I would never be able to get past it if I didn't tell someone.

"Will, do you remember when mom started dating Giles?"

She nodded her head and I returned to my chair. I took a long swig of the red liquid and reveled in the cool feeling as it passed through my lips and down my throat.

"See that's when things got a little hairy. Things were going okay with Angelus but I felt him pull away from me more and more every day. He stopped the drugs or so he told me but we started spending less and less time together. I think he was going out and getting high but he was scared of how he acted around me so he would disappear, some times for days and when he finally called, it would cause terrible fights. Not fist fights but arguments that left me hurt and lonely and I desperately tried to get him to come to me instead of me always going to him but it never worked. I loved him so much and I wanted things to get better but they never did."

I was lost again. My eyes hit the ground and my mind wandered off to that distant memory once again. I stayed that way until Willow closed her hand over mine.

"Buffy it's late. Maybe we should continue this another time?" She said to me with a soft loving expression on her face.

"No I'm okay. If it's alright I'd like to finish," I say to her almost pleading.

She agreed and I went on.

"The longer we spent apart the easier it became for me to stay away. The problem was I still wanted him, I still dreamed about him, and when it became too hard to stay away I would go to him. It got to the point that I only went to him when I couldn't stand the loneliness any more, only when the craving for his touch ached inside or when the need to really feel him close became unbearable. When I went to him he always made me feel loved, wanted, and worshiped but when I questioned our future together he would start an argument and disappear again. Our relationship went from sharing everything to just sex and nothing more. It was so strained between us that I even went to my senior prom with a friend; Angelus was worried that my mother wouldn't approve which was probably true but he never gave me the chance to find out. We drifted further apart after graduation. I wanted to start college so after mom started dating Giles and things got more serious I knew I had to get a job. Our house was getting cramped and I wanted my own place and shortly after I started working I met Riley."

"Oh I was wondering where you met him," Tara said smiling.

"Yep, we met at work and first we were just friends but we kept spending more and more time together. I still talked to Angelus occasionally and we did see each other but it was less frequent. The more I got to know Riley the better I liked him and he quickly became one of my best friends that was until one day when things got intimate. I never expected it and I was so freaked after it happened that I had no idea what to do. Riley was my friend but he had found a place in my heart and I really wanted to keep seeing him but I was scared. I felt like I had betrayed Angelus, and in a way I kind of did but I knew if I wanted to keep my friendship to Riley I had to tell him the truth about Angelus and our now very rocky relationship. Riley was special, he was everything a woman would ever want in a man. He listened and understood about my feelings and he told me that he loved me and wanted to be with me but it was ultimately up to me and he would let me make my own decision."

I let out a frustrating breath and stretched out my legs trying to push the tension away. This is the part that is going to hurt no matter what way I explained it so I leveled my shoulders and began.

"I wanted Angelus; I knew that with everything in my body and soul. He was my soul mate, he was my world, and I wanted to spend forever with him but I didn't know if he felt the same any more. He had become so distant, so cold at times and I was left constantly confused about what he really wanted from me. I wanted space from Riley to sort out what I really wanted but I guess Riley got tired of waiting and one night he asked me to marry him. I told him I needed to think, just for a few days and I took that time to find Angelus. I couldn't keep stringing Riley along and I couldn't force Angelus to commit to me. I was nineteen years old, I had a job and I was going to school part time, I desperately wanted to move out of my mothers' house, and I truly felt that it was time for me to decide what I wanted out of life. I felt like it was time to start my own life, and I wanted it to be with Angelus but I didn't know if he was ready or even willing to tell me when he was ready to give me that. I called and asked to see him and he gave me his usual nonchalant answer, that I 'knew where to find him'," I sat back in the chair and crossed my legs trying to give myself some inner support.

"Before I got to his house I had this whole speech prepared. I was going to tell him that I needed to know what he wanted from me. I needed him to tell me the truth of how he really felt, about me, about us, and if we had a future together or not. But once I was in front of him all I could do is cry. It was like I was sixteen again and all the old fears and arguments came out to haunt me at every turn. He refused to answer anything for certain, he said he loved me, and he always wanted me but he was too young to be tied down, he liked his freedom, and he liked his space. I wanted to be mature, act like an adult, but every time he said that he didn't want to live together or anything else that was remotely close to committing to me I cried harder. I tried to explain to him as best I could that I was tired of living at home and I wanted more out of life now, more from him but he wouldn't budge. He told me a lot of things that day, like he loved me, and he wanted me but he liked the way things were and he didn't want to change that. He was so caught up in having fun, partying, and running around every night that he didn't want the responsibility of having a girlfriend or anything more serious then what he was giving me already. He wasn't mean when he spoke to me but every word he did say cut into my soul and left me in pieces."

"I knew then that he didn't truly want me as much as I wanted him. I felt in my battered heart that he was never going to be my husband or my partner for life and that realization destroyed my dreams of a happily ever after with the person who I loved more than life. But I also realized that after that night with him I would, with out a doubt, say yes to Riley. I needed more than what Angelus was willing to give, and I think that the fact that he would deny me made me want it even more. I wanted my own place, I wanted a guy who wanted to share a life with me, someone who wanted to take care of me, and Angelus was not going to give me those things no matter how hard I cried. So after several hours of pain staking talk, mostly of me pleading my heart out to him and getting absolutely nowhere, I made up my mind."

"I finally gave up my pleas and we made love that night for the very last time. It was savage and hot and I let him feel everything I had left that night. I mean it was our last night together even if he didn't know it was going to be and I needed to get him out of my system once and for all if I was going to be with Riley so I wanted it as memorable as possible. I don't know if he knew that it was my goodbye to him but he held me tighter that night than I ever remember him doing before. When I left the next day I kissed him and said goodbye."

By the time I finished tears were streaking down my face in waves. It still hurt like hell even after all this time. Those few hours in the funeral home had opened feelings in me that I tried to forget but now that they came back I didn't have the strength to push them away again.

"Oh Buffy I'm so sorry. I know it had to be hard but I think that you and Riley had a great marriage. You got the house and the guy and the sweetest little girl a mom could ask for," Willow said as she came over to hug me.

She wrapped her arms around me tight and I sobbed loudly into her shoulder. She pulled away and Tara handed me a tissue.

"Samantha is the pretties little girl and so sweet," Tara said affectionately trying to help me feel better.

"Thank you," I say through hick-ups and sniffles.

"That's not the entire story though," I mutter quietly and Willow stares at me strangely.

"Please tell me you didn't sleep with Angelus after you and Riley were married?" Willow says defensively.

"What…no. You know I wouldn't do that Will," and I gave her a hurt look.

"Sorry, just getting too much into the story I guess," she said back to as her face turned pink with embarrassment.

"I was so confused after that night. I loved Angelus so much and making love to him was something that I took for granted after a while. Our relationship was not good but the sex always was and that night was the best mind numbing orgasms I ever remember having. But in the end I had to face Riley and give him an answer and that scared me more than anything. Here was this guy who was sweet and caring, gentle and loving, and he wanted me. I had to be crazy not to say yes to him but it still took me two weeks to give him my answer."

"But you obviously said yes because…..you where, married I mean," Tara stammered out.

"We were," I say sadly.

"Why do I feel that I'm missing the big picture here," Willow said with a hint of sarcasm in her voice.

"I think you do know me too well," I say back to her with a small grin in place.

"You know I always thought she looked like him but I didn't think it was appropriate to say so. She is isn't she?"

I gave her a knowing look that told her she knew the truth. Samantha was Angelus' little girl but I was the only one who ever knew. I no longer had to carry that secret alone and I finally felt better.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 7**

**Have you ever held on to a secret so long and so hard for fear that, if discovered, it would literally destroy your life, forever? That's how I felt every single day of my life for the last eight years. **

**They say that confession is good for the soul and after telling my friends about Samantha, I have to agree. **

**I felt lighter somehow, like just speaking the words out loud lifted some of the guilt I had held on to. It was a guilt that had grown more and more every day when I looked into my daughters' eyes and saw **_**him **_**staring back at me.**

**Yes Angelus had hurt me but not nearly as much as I hurt him. **

**I knew he loved me, loved me to a point that drove him mad with jealousy and rage at the mere thought of my being with anyone but him. And I truly feel that I loved him with a passion to match his own, and if truth be told, I still do. But the real truth of the matter is that I used his love, his deep passion for me against him and drove him away.**

**I see that now, and it took me a really long time to realize what my fault was in our troubled relationship.**

**I never knew how jealous and possessive he was until that night, and I never realized the depth in which he truly loved me. I looked into his eyes and saw the raw emotions, the hurt, rage, pain, and love staring back at me and it shook me to the core.**

**I loved him too, I wanted him with everything in me, and I wanted him to want me just as much. So when he started to slowly drift away from me I did what ever I could to keep him close not knowing that what I did do drove him even further away. **

**When he was sober he was able to avoid me. I think the thought that he may hurt me made him pull away now that I really think about it. He would work, go home, and tell me he was too tired to see me. It drove me so crazy that I would threaten to break up and he would simply tell me to do what I thought was right but I could always tell when he was on the edge by the tone in his voice. **

**But when he was drunk he would loose the strength it took to stay away and he would call to tell me how much he loved me, how much he needed me, and I would go crawling back to him like a love starved slave.**

**I watched him drink his guilt away and listen to his slurred explanations of how I drove him to the bottle. How our love made him crazy with lust and a possessiveness that he couldn't control, and how it made him want to kill any man who dared to even look in my direction. It made me feel special; loved like never before but also scared that someday he may follow through on his words but in the end I let it go as long as I still had him in some way.**

**Eventually even the drunken phone calls began to dwindle and that is when I started to push him even more.**

**When he would act like **_**I**_** didn't matter, like he didn't care if I was there or not, like if I never came back it wouldn't bother him at all I lashed out with as much hurtful anger as I could.**

**He was killing me with his indecisiveness and nonchalant behavior. I didn't know if he was going to tell me he loved me or tell me to go to hell and it was making me insane.**

**So what did I do, yep you guessed it, I started a fight. I wanted to feel his passion, his possessiveness, anything but what he had been giving me. I was mean and nasty and flaunted other guys' names that wanted to date me in his face until he erupted like a volcano.**

**He never raised his hand to me but he would grab me by the arms and shake me hard screaming in my face. That is exactly what I wanted from him, a reaction, something, anything that would show that he still wanted me, still loved me.**

**Oh it didn't happen on a nightly basis but it did happen often enough. That was until one night when I pushed it just a little too far and he not only gripped my arms so tight that it left large purple bruises behind but shook me so hard that I thought my teeth would jar loose. Then he brutally shoved me to the ground and walked away.**

**I think that particular night was the beginning of the end for us. He felt so bad that he may have hurt me it was almost two weeks before I saw him again. And after that no matter what I did or said I never got that reaction again. If I started a fight he would walk away, if I begged him to see me he would make me wait, and after a while I stopped trying.**

**Like I said before I only called when I couldn't stand to be away from him any longer. We became sex partners only coming together for a day or two and then parting ways until it was time to do it again.**

**I got used to only having him in my life part time and I was so busy with school and mom with her new boyfriend that I just let it continue without much thought.**

**I still had him in my life and for a while that was enough. But then I started to grow up and realize that life was more than what I had been living.**

**I watched my mother meet this great guy and fall in love. It seemed so easy for them to just come together, fall in love, and start a new life as a couple and after I watched what they had I started to want it for myself.**

**I tried to talk to Angelus, tell him what I wanted, what I needed from him but he had built a wall around him and he no longer let me inside.**

**He laughed off all my explanations of the future telling me that we were too young to have such things. I think that he had gotten so good at keeping me at a distance that he didn't see me drifting away.**

**So after I met Riley and found out that he wanted the same things I did it got easier to stay away.**

**I never stopped wanting Angelus though and even after Riley and I started to casually date I would continue to go to Angelus. He was like my drug and when the cravings to touch him, to see his face, to make love to him got too bad I would go to him.**

**If I was really honest with my self, I kind of used him but he was more than willing to allow it to happen, and that has made me the most miserable over the years. I should have been more strait with him, I should have told him how serious I was about starting my life, and I should have tried harder to make him see what was happening but I didn't.**

**I will always treasure that last night with him, a night that has left me with a lifetime reminder of our love.**

**I have never stopped craving his touch, his scent, his passion, and I will regret some things forever but never loving him. I never loved anyone or anything as much as I loved him, and I don't think I ever will.**

**I have lived the last eight years without him, and as long as I have Samantha at least I will still always have a part of him with me.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 8**

**Time has seemed to move more quickly for me lately. It's been almost a year since I buried my husband, and I have surprisingly been able to go on without him.**

**I miss him still but Willow and Tara have been able to fill the void he had left behind, and I will be forever grateful to them for it.**

**We shared a lot more conversations like the first one that night, and with each talk I revealed more and more of my life with Angelus. I think I finally told them everything that I had kept secret and I felt much better about myself.**

**I was young and at times very stupid, and ultimately made some bad decisions but in the end it has made me a stronger person.**

**But nothing in my life had prepared me for what Willow was now asking me to do.**

**She said both Angelus and I had grown up. That I owed him the truth, and if anything else I should try to see if we still had anything left between us. She said that Samantha deserved to know who her real father was, and that statement alone scared the shit out of me.**

**Telling Angelus the truth meant telling my family the truth, and I didn't think I was ready for that. It was one thing to share it with Willow but it was entirely different to be telling the whole world.**

**It took me several weeks and lots of long agonizing conversations with both Willow and Tara before I built the courage to call him. **

**I've spent the entire day wondering what I was going to say. My stomach ached and my skin felt clammy as I stalked around the house in search of anything to do to take my mind off our date this evening.**

"**Buffy please sit down your making me nervous," Willow said as she entered the room and sat down on the couch.**

"**Sorry I just….I don't know what I'm going to say to him. I mean how do I start the conversation? Oh by the way you have an eight year old daughter…yeah that'll work," I say flippantly then cringe at the hurt look on her face.**

"**You really need to lighten up. You're so tense even I feel it. He's grown up, he's not the same guy you once knew, so stop beating yourself up. Look…just have some coffee, start with light conversation, ask him what has been happening in his life, and if things get too tense, or if you feel too uncomfortable just end it and leave," Willow said with almost as much sarcasm as I had just given her.**

**I deflated as I sat down next to her and she laid her hand atop mine. I took some comfort in knowing that at least if things didn't go well I still had my best friends.**

**She smiled at me as she squeezed my hand a little tighter, "I know this is difficult for you. You have been holding onto to this huge secret afraid that it would ruin what you had with Riley but he's gone now and you have to move on. If it's not Angelus than that's ok but you cant keep living this way Buffy. You will never be able to move on or be happy with anyone else if you don't lay your ghosts to rest."**

**I knew she was right, I knew what needed to be done but I didn't know if I had the courage to actually do it.**

"**Ok, this is going to be a piece of cake…. Or coffee, maybe some light chatting and possibly if we aren't trying to kill each other I will try to at least explain why I left him to marry Riley."**

**Willow began to giggle at my nervous banter and I couldn't help but to start laughing myself. I was being stupid, and paranoid, and I should give him the benefit of the doubt. He did seem so different now, and he was civil at the funeral home so I didn't know why I was so worried.**

**But once I found myself sitting alone at the café, all my fears came back full force.**

**I was early, almost thirty minutes, and I spent that time going over in my head what it really was that I wanted to say to him. I had already downed two cappuccinos and was working on the third by the time he walked in the door, and I was so buzzed on caffeine I thought I may jump out of my own skin.**

**It didn't help that when he reached the table he graced me with one of his sexy half smiles that always made me melt then skimmed his warm hand across mine.**

**The instant his flesh touched mine I felt a fire begin to brew inside. It amazed me how even after eight years it only took a smile and the briefest of touches to spark my lust for him. I bet I'm not the only woman to feel that about him because lets face it, he is a God. **

**The years had only made him more handsome and God help me even sexier than I remembered. He was no longer the ruggedly handsome teenager that I fell in love with all those years ago, he was a sexy, hot beefcake, and my eyes instantly began to roam across his form taking in every inch of him.**

"**See something you like baby?" He spoke in a quiet husky tone that made my skin tingle.**

**I was busted, and my face must have looked like a bright red beet because he laughed heartily at my flushed embarrassment.**

"**Sorry…it's just….been a while since I've seen you," I say shakily as I take a huge gulp from my cup and try to hide my face from his intense eyes.**

"**Its ok, its me who should apologize I…I just couldn't help it. I think you bring the old me out sometimes," he says and I believe he's truly sorry by the look he is now giving me.**

"**So," and I leave it hanging there unable to even form any of the words I had been going over in my mind just minutes before.**

"**If this is uncomfortable for you we can just take a walk or something," he senses my hesitation and I finally get that he really is different. I see a confidence in him that I never noticed before and I start to wonder who this gorgeous man across from me really is.**

"**No, I'm fine…really," I say trying to sound convincing but sounding like a scared little girl.**

**He starts to laugh again and this time I can't help but to join him. He reaches across the table and lays his hand atop my arm and sweeps across it in a comforting light caress; my fears and doubts melt away as the heat of his skin on mine sooths me like no other mans can.**

"**I think you had too much caffeine, maybe you should eat something," and he laughs again at the look of shock on my face.**

**We both order food and he starts to tell me about his life for the past eight years. I listen intently but never interrupt him to add anything on my behalf nor does he push for me to either.**

**The time flew by and before I knew it the place was closing around us. We gathered our things and headed out the door still locked in conversation but quickly fall into an uncomfortable silence when we reach our destination.**

**I didn't want the night to end but I needed to get home to my daughter. I looked at him fully intent on asking him to dinner, or coffee, something-anything to see him again but once my eyes stared into those warm chocolate pools I was lost.**

"**I had a nice time tonight."**

"**Me too," I say back and smile goofily as I shift from foot to foot trying to hide my embarrassment for being caught staring at him again.**

"**I can't help but feel bad about monopolizing the entire night though. I was wondering if you wanted to do this again some time."**

**Wow, I can't believe that just happened, and I am unable to hide the stupid grin from appearing on my face as I shake my head in agreement still unable to form a coherent word.**

"**Great, let's say Friday night around seven. I'll pick you up…oh wait I don't have your address," he says with an evil smirk and I see a little of the old him shinning in his sparkling brown eyes.**

**I feel weak in the knees when he again grabs my hand and squeezes it gently. I start to feel my resolve crumbling as my lust from earlier comes back full force then kicks up another notch. **

"**It really was good to see you again Buffy," he says sweetly and my eyes are drawn to his lips already imagining them on mine.**

**I gave him my address and phone number, then quickly get into my car pulling out of the parking lot with a screech before I lost all control and pulled him into the back seat to have my way with him.**

**Things went on that way for several months. He would call, and at least once a week we would meet for coffee or dinner to talk.**

**And every time we'd meet I would tell him a little more about my life with Riley but stop just short of telling him about Samantha; I am such a coward. **

**Our dates were always nice, ending with a light friendly hug or he would grip my hand before he walked away, and every time he left without kissing me, without holding me tight, I wanted to scream.**

**I was getting frustrated because the more time I spent with him, the more I talked to him, and the more I got to know him again, the more I wanted him.**

**The old feelings were still there just under the surface but now that I was getting to know him all over again, new ones were starting to form. He had grown up, and oh God what a man he now was. **

**He had been through a lot over the years and he struggled with his addictions but managed to make something of himself.**

**His over avoidance of any personnel touching beyond a friendly pat, or brief hug, had me starting to think that he no longer desired me, and my old fears began to slowly seep in once again. **

**I talked to Willow about it, and she tried to assure me that if things were meant to be, if we were truly destined to be together then we would, and if not just accept what fait was handing me. **

**It's not what I wanted to hear but I know she was right; the fact was that I had hurt him deeply. The real problem was I still haven't finished hurting him because even after all these months of getting to know him again, I still haven't managed to tell him about his daughter. **

**I was so spineless but things had been going so well between us, and I was afraid that if I told him the truth, if I let him in on the biggest secret I have ever had, our new friendship would be over.**

**Would he even want to be a father? Would he hate me for keeping it a secret for so long? These were my worst fears, and I didn't want to risk hurting my daughter for anything in the world.**

**So after a week of arguing with Willow I found myself standing at his front door afraid to knock.**

**When the door swung open and he graced me with that half smile that made me turn to liquid, I knew that things were about to change…again.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 9**

**I was doomed; doomed to relive the past the moment I stepped foot over the threshold of his home. I looked deep into those dark pools, and was mesmerized to the point of loosing all rational thought.**

**In the back of my mind my subconscious was telling me to turn around and walk away. This was a mistake, I knew it was but my body was betraying my mind. I could hear the sirens of warning sounding loudly but my desire was taking control and no matter what my conscious was trying to say, my body was not listening.**

**No words were exchanged between us until he showed me into the kitchen motioning for me to sit.**

"**Thirsty?" he asks but doesn't wait for an answer as I watch him retrieve glasses and pitcher.**

**It wasn't meant to be a show of eroticism by no means but he was shirtless, and his body showed a fine sheen of sweat glistening in the filtered sunlight, evidence of what he had been doing when I showed up.**

**I carefully watched every move he made, my eyes glued to the perfect curves of his upper torso. I watched as he lifted the heavy pitcher to pour a glass, his corded muscles jumping as the fine beads of sweat dripped down his arm, and I unconsciously licked my lips.**

**I could feel an intense heat slowly building deep inside as he moved gracefully towards me, glass in hand to take a seat across from me.**

**My skin felt hot, my face flushed, and I gladly accepted the cool beverage in hopes that it may tamp down the fire bubbling higher and higher the closer he came. I took a big gulp and watched him over the rim of my glass as he took a towel and began to dry the back of his neck.**

"**So sexy," my thoughts said to me as I watched him with fascination. I was in a trance, all I could see was his gorgeous body before me, and all I could think about was putting my hands all over it.**

"**What brings you here," he says casually but he has a cautious look about him. I finally notice that aside from when he answered the door this is the first time he has looked in my direction. I think he may feel uncomfortable at my intense stare, so I look away quickly, not wanting him to see the desire that I am struggling to hold back.**

**Like a tidal wave of emotion, embarrassment cascades through me. I suddenly got the distinct feeling that he didn't want me here, and the look he gives me confirms my dread. I fidget a moment, unsure of what to say or do, and I struggle with the urge to run away, fast.**

"**I was in the neighborhood so I thought….if it's a bad time I can go," I say getting up from my chair, my embarrassment propelling me away.**

**I can clearly see that my showing up may not be such a good thing. I suddenly feel like a fool, and I turn to walk out of the room, back towards the front door. I should have called first, I should have just asked him to meet me for dinner, and I quicken my pace trying to get away before the tears begin and I look as stupid as I feel.**

"**Buffy wait…where are you going…stop," he says to my retreating form.**

"**Its ok, I'll call you later when you're not busy. I should have called first. I…I'm sorry about just showing up," I say and I fight hard to hold on to the tears I can feel pooling in my eyes.**

"**Don't go," he says, and I can hear the hurt in his voice; the sound of it causing me to stop in my tracks and turn to look at him.**

**He walks closer to me and his face shows a sadness that causes a tear to escape my eye. His palm rises, and his fingers trace the wet trail down my cheek.**

**I close my eyes and revel in the feel of his touch. I suddenly feel his other hand brush across my cheek just before I feel his soft silky lips on mine.**

**The tension in my body melts away and I turn to putty in his hands as his tongue invades my mouth. He is slowly killing every doubt and fear I had just had as his kiss intensifies and takes my breath away.**

**He pulls me even closer, his hands dropping to my waist as I reach around his neck and sink my fingers into his thick dark hair. I feel myself walking backwards until something hard stops our pace.**

**He lifts me up and sets me down gently, his lips never leaving mine. I think I may be on a table but my mind goes blank again when he kisses across my cheek, down my neck, and as his soft tongue comes out to join his lips my body shivers from the feeling.**

**Suddenly he pulls back, his eyes staring intensely into mine. In them I can see a burning desire that matches my own but I also see a spark of doubt that I instantly feel the need to remove.**

**I grab his face gently with both hands, and pull him in for another searing kiss that causes a moan to escape his mouth; the sound music to my ears knowing his doubt is now gone. I can't think past my lust and need to touch him as my hands roam his body frantically. **

**I feel him pushing the fabric of my dress up my thighs and the act sparks my desire fiercely. My hands fall down to the round globes of his back side and I squeeze firmly. I'm gifted with a guttural growl that rumbles in his chest, and the feel of it makes my panties wet.**

**I am beyond thinking about the consequences of what we are about to do. I only feel the need to have him inside me, the need to quench the desire that has been burning a hole in me for months now, and to hell with the consequences.**

**He pulls me to the end of the table, and as I scoot forward he pushes my dress up to my waist. He hooks his fingers around the thin strap of my panties then tugs hard ripping them from my body.**

**I feel the sting on my skin and as the cool air hits my wet center it causes my lust to soar. I fumble with the waist band of his pants and he helps me shove the unwanted article down to his feet.**

**My senses are on fire as he pushes me back and grabs my breasts, pinching at my nipples roughly causing me to moan uncontrollably.**

**He presses his hardness at my entrance and I hiss in want. I am lost in the feelings that are causing my blood to pump wildly in my veins, I need him so badly at this point, and I want to tell him but my heart is thumping hard in my throat causing even breathing to be an effort.**

**Then sheer bliss washes over me as I feel him enter me. In an instant I feel full, I feel whole, I feel….home at last, and at that moment I knew that I never felt this with anyone but him.**

**Passion, lust, and a burning desire had us both pumping wildly against one another. This is not making love. It's wild, its passionate, its carnal, and bruising, it's what we both needed to relieve the pent up sexual frustration that has slowly built over the last few months. **

**I have lost all control, and I push back with every hard thrust matching his rhythm that is barely there. My climax hits me so hard that I feel like I can't breathe. As my body grows ridged and my womb clamps down on him, he loses control and starts to slam harder, faster until he finally succumbs as well.**

**He lays his head on my chest as we both gasp for air, and I watch the stars that dance behind my eye lids. **

**I wanted to savor this moment, hold on to it for as long as I could. I felt a peace, a contentment wash over me that I haven't felt in so long. But just like all good things, this too came to an end when my mind began to focus on what had just happened.**

**What have I done? I came here to tell him the truth, to find out if he wanted something from this budding relationship other than just another friend, and what did I do instead…..**

**I let my foolish heart lead the way; no scratch that….my lust took power over everything and my weak mind let it happen. Now I'm afraid of living the same horrible hell all over again. I feel the tears spring up before I can stop them and I cover my face with both hands to hide the steady stream.**

**It doesn't work because the moment he asks me what is wrong I break down into body racking sobs. He backs away slowly repeating his question but I'm crying too hard to speak.**

"**Buffy what's wrong? Did I hurt you?" he asks as he starts to check my body for any signs of injury.**

**I see the worry on his face and it breaks my heart even more. Here I am once again pushing him, testing his feelings for me, and I try my hardest to stop my heart from splitting in two.**

"**I'm sorry, you…..didn't hurt me," I stammer out in between sobs.**

"**Then why," and I stop him from saying anything else by placing a finger to his lips.**

**I take a few deep breathes and wipe away my tears effectively smearing any makeup I haven't cried off. I'm not sure what to say that won't sound like I'm trying to blame him for my outburst, and I can see the mixed emotions shining in his eyes.**

"**I guess I've been a little emotional lately. I didn't mean to make you think I was hurt, I'm not, so don't think you did anything wrong," I say to him still hiccupping but more controlled now.**

"**Can I get you something?" he asks sweetly but I can clearly see he is uncomfortable, and he starts to walk back to the kitchen before I can answer. **

**I need to know how he feels about what just happened between us. I need to find out if we are going anywhere before I fall any harder for him. I need to know if he wants to be a father to our daughter. So after a few seconds of composing myself and straitening out my cloths I follow him to the kitchen.**

"**I'm fine but I think we should talk," I say still trying to wipe the wetness from my face.**

"**Maybe we shouldn't," **

**My heart clenches in my chest and I struggle with my emotions. His tone is short, to the point, and his irritation is clear.**

"**We're not kids anymore Angelus…I think we can speak to each other like adults," and my words come out more bitter than I intended.**

**He spins around to face me and the look he has causes me to take a few steps back.**

"**Adults huh…how adult was it to go running off and marrying the first asshole you met?"**

**I can see the fire in his eyes, and for the first time since we started to see each other again, I can see the old Angelus starting back at me. **

**I want to talk with him but his temper has me frightened. For a moment he makes me feel like I'm seventeen again but I've had eight years of going over this moment so I push aside my fears and doubts boldly taking a step forward.**

"**I don't want to fight. That's not why I came to see you. Can we just….sit down?"**

**He again avoids looking in my direction, an act that begins to grate on my over sensitive nerves.**

"**I came here to talk to you about us," I say boldly, I mean I think it sounds bold, maybe even confident but his non-reaction makes me wonder if it just sounded whiney.**

**The silence in the room is deafening, and it becomes quit obvious that he doesn't want to talk. I have been on the receiving end of the silent treatment before and I can see that I have lost the battle already.**

**He briefly glances in my direction and I slump my shoulders in defeat. I've seen this look before, felt this uncomfortable silence, and I give in knowing that until he is ready, no more talking will be taking place here today. He no longer wants me here. I feel it, I see it, even if he refuses to look in my direction, and I know that all I can do now is leave and give him the space he now seems to want.**

"**Okay…I get the picture. When you're ready to talk…give me a call" and I get up to leave only this time he does nothing to stop me. My heart breaks as I leave his house knowing that it will probably be the last time I see or hear from him again.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 10**

**The clouds were a mix of dark grey and smoky greens. Day was slowly fading into the darkness of night and still I sat on the porch staring into the nothingness.**

**It has been seven long days since I walked away from Angelus, again. Seven painfully long nights since I have seen his face, heard his sultry voice, felt the warmth of his touch, and each and every day I go without him I die a little more.**

**I can't help but wonder what if…..I stopped him from kissing me that day...of letting it go too far? **

**What if….when he began to walk away that first time, I stopped him by kissing away his hesitation, his irritation….by showing him how much I needed him, how much I wanted him?**

**My life has been filled with 'what ifs', and what a shame that I never have the courage to make those bold changes that I propose in my mind.**

**So I walked away once again, walked away from my responsibility to tell him the truth, walked away from revealing life altering secrets that he deserved to know, and now I'm to chicken to go back.**

**I knew he wouldn't call me. Why would he? I left, just like I did last time, just like I'm sure he thought I would, and the only difference this time is that he was an acting participant in my fleeing.**

**So I sit here all alone, wallowing in my own misery, and letting the misty rain coat my skin causing me to feel as cold outside as I do inside.**

**I am only slightly relieved that my daughter was spending the week with my parents and I didn't have to cover my despair from her. I was brooding, silently cursing myself for my weakness, and letting any passer by see my pain and misery. Something I never wanted my daughter to witness. **

**I sat in the damp darkness for hours, only giving in to exhaustion well after midnight. My friends did their best to console me to no avail. I only perked slightly when Willow gave me the idea to write my feelings in a letter.**

**I found that writing a letter was almost as hard as talking in person. I had to figure out what I wanted to say, then actually word it so it made some sort of sense. Easier said then done.**

**It took me nearly two full days and countless numbers of writing pads before I got the final draft the way I wanted it.**

**Still completely unsure of myself, I had Willow proof read the letter which had developed into a mini novel. She cried the first time she read it and I was scared that I may have been too forward, too dramatic in my wording but she assured me that it was perfect and as leery as I was about it, with her approval I sealed the envelope.**

**My next obstacle was getting the letter to him, and having him actually read it. Willow told me to mail it, and leave the rest up to him. **

**After a week of waiting for some kind of response and getting nothing, I assumed he decided not to read the letter, and it was his turn to walk away. It wasn't really walking away; I mean I wasn't standing in front of him. I sent him a letter that he obviously had no intention of reading, thus he chose to not take the chance I so desperately wanted him too.**

**I can't really blame him. If anyone is to blame it's me. I should have been strait forward with him from the beginning. I should have told him about Samantha right away, hell I should have told him about her nine years ago but that's the past…as much as I want to I can't go back.**

**After the second week passed with no word I decided to call him. That conversation didn't go so well. His short, brief uncaring tone cut my wounds just that much deeper. The call was over as soon as it started and what little remained of my shattered heart was crushed to bits.**

**I cried myself to sleep that night swearing that it would be the last. I told myself that I would no longer morn the relationship that I never really had to begin with. I would release my hurt broken heart that night and when I woke the next morning I intended to start my life over again. **

**I think that I'm finally cured of the curse of love now. My heart feels dead inside, and the only room I have left is reserved for my beloved daughter. **

**I don't ever want another relationship. I'm finished with dating, with meeting another man, to hell with all of it. My heart, no, my soul can't take anymore cuts, its bleeding from the holes that will never heal now. **

**Relationships are just too hard…too heartbreaking. Besides, I don't think that I could ever give my heart to another; even as beaten and battered as it is, it will always belong to Angelus. **

**That burning lust, that soul scorching passion, that bone deep love that I have for Angelus, runs deep through my being, and that was a part of me that Riley never got. **

**Poor Riley, it breaks my heart to think that he could have had that with someone but instead he got a shell of a woman who had never let go of her first love. I didn't deserve him, and I feel awful knowing that as much as he loved me I just couldn't love him back; not the way he wanted…not the way he deserved. **

**None of that matters anymore. I will always love Angelus, and I now know that he will never love me back. Not now, not anymore, and if he ever does read the letter he may hate me even more for keeping the truth from him for so long.**

**I truly feel that I deserve this solitude, this lonely loveless existence, and I know that I will be alone for the rest of my life. It's really the way I want it. I have accepted my fait, and I know that my destiny is just this. I have my daughter, and she is my life. **

**My only fear is that after she is old enough to understand that I lied to not only her, but her real father, I probably won't have her in my life either.**

**Someday I'm going to have to tell her who her real father is. Someday I'm going to have to tell her that, because of me, he wanted nothing to do with her. And I truly hope that that someday is far enough into the future that by the time I have to reveal those things to her I will be strong enough to endure the pain that it will cause us both. **

**What ever his reasons for not reading the letter, for not coming to meet his daughter if he did read it, I will probably never know. I had to close that chapter of my life and move on. I have a daughter to raise; my heart…my now non-existent love life has no bearing on her well being so I need put it to rest, and concentrate only on her.**

**Funny thing is, when I woke that next morning, even after I convinced myself that I would be okay, that ache was still there. And I came to the realization that it would always be there, and I would have to live with the pain and heartache I myself had caused.**

**As the next two weeks passed I found that the harder I tried to forget and start my life again, the more depressed and tired I became.**

**All I wanted to do was hide in my room, and cry myself to sleep. If I wasn't shuttling Sam around to her activities or working, I was lying on my bed trying to sleep, and crying my loneliness and despair away. **

**I had zero energy lately, and it seemed like even going to the grocery store was more of an effort than I could stand. I felt flushed one minute and freezing the next. I had a hard time eating and the mere smell of food made my stomach turn.**

**Willow tried more than once to get me to the doctor but I refused. I knew it was all in my mind, I just needed time to heal. **

**One of our friends from high school was having a party over the weekend and Willow wouldn't stop nagging me until I agreed to go. I dropped Sam off at my parents for the weekend and bought a new outfit for the party.**

**Both Willow and Tara were so excited about the party that by the time I was ready to go, some of their mirth had rubbed off. It had been well over a month since things came to a horrible end with Angelus, so I put on my best happy face and planned to have a good time no matter how shitty I felt.**

**The party started out pretty good. Some old friends, some new friends, and a lot of people I didn't know. I mingled for a while, catching glimpses of people I knew that I wanted to say hi to, and munching lightly on some crackers and cheese. The only food I had been able to ingest lately without it repeating on me.**

**As the night wore on, and the more I walked and talked, the more tired I became. I found that if I stood too long I felt dizzy or light headed and would have to sit. That was all I could take and I went in search of Willow and Tara to let them know I would be going home.**

**I found Willow talking with Xander and told her I was about to leave but she insisted she take me home and we went to look for Tara.**

**I saw her from across the room and directed Willow to follow me. When I got within a few feet of her is when I noticed him.**

**He was the last person I expected to see but the mere sight of him was enough to set my skin ablaze. I was frozen on the spot, my eyes rolling over his form from head to toe, drinking in every beautiful inch of him.**

**Even after all these years, he is still the most handsome man I have ever laid eyes on. I watch him carefully as he casually talks with the people who surround him, and in the back of my mind I know who they are but right now I could care less.**

**I want to rush into his arms, wrap my hands around him, and kiss him until I can't breath but my body is currently not cooperating. I see the drastic changes in the man that stands before me from the teenage boy I fell in love with, and it makes my body shiver.**

**He has survived so much, grown so much, and I have never been more proud of him. I don't deserve him, I know that but I can't help want him. I should leave him alone, I should let it go, they have both gone without knowing the truth for nine years and it hasn't hurt them so why should I push it now.**

**My mind is made up and I see Willow has found Tara so I start to turn away and head for the door. But just as I was about to turn my eye catches something that makes my stomach drop instantly.**

**A woman wraps her hands around his neck, and kisses him. I wait to see him push her away but what happens next turns my world upside down.**

**He looks up and spots me; he gives me that devious half smile, and dips his head back to the woman in his arms kissing her again. **

**I'm completely blown away, I want to die, and the room suddenly begins to spin wildly.**

**I have lost him, he has moved on with someone else, and I had to witness the cruel affair with my own two eyes. I feel the bile begin to rise in my throat, and I know that if the room doesn't stop spinning I'm going to pass out.**

**I turn my head away from him in disgust. I can no longer watch the taunting display anymore. I try to take a few steps towards the door but the sudden movement causes my head to start pounding and I feel like my legs are giving out. I see a chair close by and try to reach for it but I don't make it before my foot slips and I head strait for the floor.**

**I look up to see the entire room staring in my direction, laughing at my sudden spill and tears instantly form in my eyes. I try to rise but a sudden dizziness hits me and I fall backwards again.**

**My hand hurts and I lift it to my eyes to see a large gash across my knuckles, and I hear Willow scream my name in the distance. That's the last thing I remember before another bout of dizziness over comes me and the walls close in.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 11**

**Willow's POV**

**I don't know why I thought bringing Buffy to this party was going to be good for her. She has just been so depressed lately, so lonely, so…I don't know, sickly, that I thought getting out would brighten her up a little.**

**I can see how thin and frail her body looks. I know she has been sick but until now I just thought it was the effects of her despair. Now I'm starting to wonder if she really is suffering from some sort of illness. **

**Her new outfit, though very pretty, even looks loose on her thinning frame. Her eyes, that are usually bright green, have a dull look to them, and I have seen her dark circles get even darker the past few days. I know she's not eating, and most of her free time she spends alone in her room locked away like a hermit. **

**I watch her as she talks with friends, and you see a smile grace her lips but it never seems to reach her eyes. My heart aches at the site of her; I can't imagine what she must be going through.**

**Now she wants to leave, and I can see the exhaustion on her delicate features.**

**I follow behind her looking for Tara, there is no way I'm going to let her trek that two mile journey home alone, I don't think her body would carry her. So I insist on taking her myself, hopefully Tara will come along.**

**I watch as Buffy stops just before reaching Tara, and I pass her by going strait towards her. I lean in to tell Tara that I'm taking our sick friend home but when I pull back the look in her eyes is near fright.**

**She's looking at Buffy, and when I turn to look myself I can clearly see the color drain from her face. My eyes scan the area trying to see what has caused such a reaction, and find Angelus a few feet away.**

"**Oh no," I say and Tara agrees with a nod.**

**If I had known he would be here, I wouldn't have been so insistent that Buffy come.**

**I quickly scan the people surrounding him and notice Faith hovering close by. Great, I know they have dated a few times and if they are here together, Buffy may be crushed even more. Faith isn't known to be discreet, and my only fear is that she will do something before I have a chance to get Buffy out of here.**

**Of all the women in Sunnydale why did he have to be here with her? Faith is notorious for getting what she wants, any way she can. I have known women who will break up a relationship to get their man but Faith will stop at nothing, and then drop the guy like yesterdays trash.**

**She boasts her motto of 'fuck and forget them', which is why Angelus probably likes her. He gets what he wants without the strings that come with dating a normal girl.**

**My fears are confirmed when I see Faith grab onto Angelus and kiss him soundly. I get sick to my stomach looking at the display myself, and I hope Buffy didn't see it but when I turn in her direction she seems to be staggering towards the door.**

"**Tara I'm going after Buffy," I say as I head quickly in Buffy's direction.**

**I know she must have seen them and my heart begins to race as I see her sway and stager towards the door.**

**I quicken my pace but the room is packed full of people, and I do my best to move past without knocking someone down. I catch a glimpse of Buffy's face as she again turns in my direction, tears are streaming down her cheeks and my heart clenches in my chest. She trips suddenly and I see her stretch her arms out to balance herself but not in time; she looses her footing and falls to the floor.**

"**Buffy," I shout out involuntarily then notice that everyone in the room has stopped and looked in my direction. I see blood and the panic has taken over as I begin to shove my way through not caring about who I knock down. **

**By the time I reach her she is out cold, and grab her hand to see where the blood is coming from. I look up frantically searching for Tara or anyone who can help me. I want to shout for help but I'm frozen with fear for my friend, unable to even utter a word. I hear someone ask if they should call 911 but I still cannot reply.**

"**I got it," I heard shout near by, and I look up to see Angelus standing over us with a towel in his hand. **

"**Is she okay," he asks as I snatch the item from him and wrap it around Buffy's limp hand. I want to yell at him that this is his entire fault but right now my only concern is for Buffy so all I do is glare at him.**

"**Willow, is she ok," he again inquires but more firmly this time, and I really get agitated. He is the reason she is laying here out cold, and he has the nerve to act concerned now. Bullshit! **

**Tara is finally at my side. I let out a small sigh of relief knowing that she is near, and I focus my attention back on Angelus.**

"**What the hell do you care?" I bite off bitterly and he looks wounded by my words. **

"**I do…care," he says solemnly. I want to believe that he does but actions speak louder than words, and I won't let him diffuse my anger. My personal opinion is that if you truly love someone, if you really care about them, then you give them the second chance they ask for.**

**As far as I was concerned he wasn't willing to give Buffy that chance before, and I'm not letting him try to push his guilt on me because Buffy is sick and he suddenly feels bad.**

"**Just back off, she doesn't need anymore drama thank you. I think you have caused enough pain….. Just go back to your new girlfriend, and leave Buffy alone," I bellowed out loudly to him, my anger coming out to snap at him painfully. I don't know the whole story about what happened that night between them but I know that my friend is hurt and he is the cause.**

"**I was doing that Willow. I had no idea you….or she would be here tonight. She just…she doesn't look good, are you sure she's ok?" he says back. I can see the concern on his face, I feel it in his words, and my anger towards him begins to melt slightly.**

**I prop her head up and smooth her hair away from her face. I check her pulse, and watch as her chest rises and falls in even intervals knowing that at least she is still breathing, and that gives me a small enough comfort.**

**I look back at Angelus and I can see his concern growing. It's against my better judgment but since Buffy has refused medical attention lately I can't help but to voice my concerns.**

"**She's been really sick lately. At first I thought it was just depression after…." And I'm not sure how to explain what I want to say with a room full of people staring at us.**

"**You know what I mean right?" and he looks at me blankly but I see something register in his eyes followed by a hurt expression.**

"**Over the last week or so I think she has gotten worse. She doesn't eat, she doesn't go out, I don't even think she's been sleeping, and she doesn't do anything other than work and sit in her room. I tried to get her to call the doctor but she refuses."**

**I take a deep breath trying to calm myself but as I voice my recent worries things start to bother me even more, and I begin to realize I've revealed more than I should.**

"**She was doing ok tonight, well for a little while, and I was about to take her back home when we bumped into you. I think she saw you… and then with Faith…just a little more than she was able to deal with I guess," and I waved my hand around nervously.**

**Before I could continue the ambulance showed up and they quickly picked Buffy up rushing her out the door. **

**I was more than a little shocked to hear him ask which hospital we were going to. I climbed in the back with Buffy and held her hand all the way to the emergency room.**

**They took her strait back and I found myself sitting in the waiting room alone. I was scared for my friend. She has been so out of it lately, and I hoped that her despair hasn't caused her any physical problems.**

**I hear the door to the waiting room open and I look up to see Angelus entering the room with Tara right behind him. I'm not sure if I'm happy to see him here or not. I know he has feelings for Buffy but I can't help feel like he is only here out of pity, and that's not what Buffy needs.**

**I begin to pace the room. No one has said a word since we got here, and the quiet tension filled atmosphere is killing me. Every time I look in his direction my anger bubbles higher and higher. I know that technically, it's not really his fault that Buffy is sick but I really need someone to blame right now, and if I were a petty person I could say it's at least partly his fault. **

**I think he knows what I'm thinking, or maybe he can feel the heat of my stare because every time I glance in his direction he gives me that guilty look then turns away.**

**I want to shout at him to stop being stubborn. I want to tell him how much Buffy loves him, how much she wants him but it's not my place. I want to tell him to take his head out of his ass and read the beautiful letter she wrote, I want to tell him that his daughter needs a father but again, I'm not Buffy.**

**The more time I spend waiting for the doctor to come in, the more frustrated I become. I wish he would just leave; this is more than I even want to deal with.**

**The silence in the room is broken when the door to the waiting room opens and in walks Faith.**

"**So how's the princess?" She asks Angel as she slides herself into his lap and kisses his neck. Her tone is mocking and my anger fires up even higher.**

"**What the hell are you doing here?" I ask her angrily. **

"**Woe, back off there Red. I think you have me confused with someone you can boss around. Last I looked this was a public place. Who made you dictator…" she said back to me with just as much venom then gave me an evil grin.**

"**I came to be with my man here," she said saucily as she again wrapper her hands around his neck and kissed him.**

**Oh, that was it. I started towards her full intent on punching her right in the face but Tara held me back. She had no reason to be here other than to taunt Buffy and I was not going to have it.**

**Angel jumped up effectively dropping Faith to the floor in a heap. I would have laughed at the site if I weren't so pissed.**

"**Calm down Willow, she's just trying to be supportive. There's no need to get all defensive and ….." he was cut short as I tore into him, unable to control my anger.**

"**Bullshit! You know what Angel; you're just as bad as her. She's only here to make things worse. Buffy is really sick in there, and if you really cared about her you wouldn't bring your latest conquest around to rub in her face. She doesn't need this shit and neither do I. Why don't you just take her and go back to the party…we don't need you here."**

**He stared at me for long moments then walked over to Faith, grabbed her hand, and dragged her from the room.**

**Tara and I stared at each other for a moment. I wasn't sure if I wanted to laugh or cry at this whole situation but when she suddenly broke out into hysterical laughter I couldn't help but to join her.**

**Both of our laughter died the moment the door opened again and an angry looking Angelus walked back in.**

**I watched stunned as he slowly walked in my direction, anger rolling off of him in waves as his eyes burned holes into me. I wanted to take a step back but my own anger towards him had me rooted to the spot.**

**I waited breathlessly for the onslaught of angry barbs I knew he would throw at me but they never came. I simply handed me a piece of paper, and turned to walk away.**

"**What is this Angelus?" I said to him, confusion written all over my face.**

**He turned to me once again and this time the anger that was there only a moment ago was gone; now replaced with sadness, "My cell number. When you find out if she's ok I would like a call. You don't have to tell her anything, I just need to know…ok," he said so sadly that I wanted to cry.**

**I opened my mouth to speak but I had no idea what to say. The sadness in his eyes, the pure anguish written on his face was enough to shred any doubt that he truly loved Buffy. I shook my head in agreement and tried to hold back the tears threatening to spill down my cheeks.**

**With our bargain struck he left without another word.**


	13. Chapter 13

AN:Sorry it has taken so long to get this out. Sometimes real life bites...LOL. Tell me what you think please...I need to feed my muse.

**Chapter 12**

**My life as of late had become a nightmare. A horrible menagerie of ups and downs that would make any normal person sick with vertigo, and that was just the recent months.**

**I though that my life had hit an all time low with my self loathing and depression but it seems that I have yet to hit rock bottom.**

**After royally screwing up my new relationship with Angelus, and sinking into a pit of never ending despair, I found that things could be much, much worse.**

**I woke up in the hospital, after two days of sleep, to discover that not only did I not have the man I loved back but that my one day of reckless abandons had produced another child.**

**So after eight years of marriage with many, many attempts to get pregnant with my now deceased husband, had almost assured me that I could no longer conceive. I guess that's what I get for assuming.**

**So now I have a decision to make. Do I tell him about his daughter, and now new child to be? Or, do I let him live his life without the hassles and heartbreak that come with what I have to offer him. Can you say de'ja vu? **

**I know the right thing to do is to tell him but he has been hurt so much by me, by the awful things he had to overcome in his life, and I hate to add insult to injury but he does deserve the truth. This all seems so familiar right, and yes it is because the reason I am in this predicament is because of my first attempt to tell Angelus about his daughter….damn I know how to screw things up.**

**So for weeks I have debated this issue with first myself, then later with Willow and Tara. We have all come back to the same conclusion, tell him the truth. But how do I do that?**

**I have tried the letter route, I have tried to call him, and I don't know what else to do to get him to sit down and speak to me. I need to grow a back bone, I need to buck up and do what needs doing…but I'm so damn scared of screwing up not my life but my daughters.**

**So I am going to do the only thing I never wanted to do, and that's to ask my parents for strength. I need their support, their love, and it's time I came clean to my family.**

**Both my mother and Giles think that Samantha was Riley's, and I never told them otherwise but if I'm going to be honest with Angelus I need to come clean with everyone. That means telling first my parents, then…oh God…my daughter, and maybe with the help and support of my family…finally Angelus. **

**I need to stop hiding behind the shadow of my former life, and admit the truth. I will never be able to move on with my life with all the lies. **

**Hiding the truth all these years has been slowly killing me, and I can't live another day knowing I could do something to ease the guilt I have been holding inside every day. Maybe if I put it all out there, maybe if I am honest with everyone that I love, things will get better.**

**So I pack up my daughter and head to my parents for a Sunday dinner that I'm sure will be memorable.**

**The afternoon starts out normal. We are greeted at the door with open arms, and soon we are at the table to share a meal that I have to force myself to eat. The more bites I take the harder it is for me to hold back the bile that is slowly rising. I excuse myself to the bathroom where I let the nausea take control, and I now wish I never had to experience morning sickness again.**

**Once my stomach settles and I wash my face I begin to steel my nerves for the next part of the day, and I venture back out to greet my parents. Its time for the talk I have been preparing for, and a wave of dizziness washes through me as I think of what I am about to do.**

**I do my best to shake off the fear and square my shoulders as I head out to the living room for coffee. **

**I take a seat next to my mother, and she seems to sense my fear as she reaches out and clasps my hand in hers. She squeezes lightly and I smile as I squeeze back; she has given me the courage to now go on.**

**I ask quietly, "Where is Samantha?"**

"**She went out to see if any of the neighborhood kids were out. Honey, are you ok? You look sort of pale," my mother inquired while she lovingly stroked her hand down my back. Then she swept her hand across my cheek, and put her palm to my forehead to check for a temperature.**

**It seems as though you're never old enough to not want to be mothered, and I feel a warm loving sensation run through me at her caring gesture.**

"**I have been under the weather lately but that's kind of what I needed to talk to you about. I need to tell you a few things, and I'm not ready to discuss it with Sam yet. I was hoping to get a few minutes alone," I say hesitantly, and I feel a shiver run down my spine.**

**I'm so nervous, and my nausea seems to be creeping up on me again. I do my best to calm myself and focus on what I have to do.**

"**Sure honey you know you can tell us anything," she says but I can see the worry in her eyes.**

**But these are my parents, the people who raised me, loved me unconditionally, and I knew, even if my news was upsetting, that they would still love me.**

**I take a deep breath and begin my tale. It takes only minutes to tell them my secret, and by the time I finished I felt the nervous butterflies dissipate. Their reaction to the news was something I wasn't expecting.**

**My mother and Giles, who are now both giving me sad understanding glances, proceed to inform me that they knew all along about Sam. It was understood between the two of them that if I wanted to tell them I could, and if not…well, I got the point.**

**So now that my secret wasn't so secret anymore and I began to feel better, lighter even. My parents advised me to tell Angelus before I told Samantha. They felt that if Angelus decided not to be a part of our lives then why upset an eight year old girl who just lost the only father she knew. And if Angelus did want to be a father then we should tell her together.**

**So with my parents support, love, and suggestion, I once again found myself sitting in my car in front of Angelus' house. **

**I was so scared of the rejection I was sure that I would be getting but I had to do this. I wanted closure, ok, not really wanted it as much as needed it but I had this debilitating dread that things were going to go badly here.**

**For some unknown reason I always lost my cool when it came to him. I always prepared myself but when I am in front of him, watching his expressions, looking at his luscious body, his soulful brown eyes, I loose all thought of anything but touching him. I had to be strong, I had too. Just go in there, sit down, and tell him what he needed to know. **

'**I can do this….I can do this.'**** Was the mantra I was repeating the entire walk up to the door. I sucked in a deep breath, reached slowly out, and knocked.**

**My palms began to sweat, my skin began to prickle, and the butterflies started to jackhammer in my stomach. I gulped deep breaths in, letting them out slowly, trying to curb the strong sensation to run. **

**It seemed like I had been waiting at the door forever, and I was about to turn and leave when the door swung open, and his beautiful face appeared.**

"**Buffy?" he said softly, making it sound like a question.**

**I stared at him for a moment, drinking in his beauty, and my eyes traveled the length of him. He was wearing a white tank, and a pair of black sweats, and oh GOD did he look yummy. **

"**Hi. I was wondering if I could talk to you." I asked, and marveled at myself for being able to form words in his presence. **

**He looked at me strangely for a moment, and I began to get the feeling that he was going to turn me away. **

**He did not answer me but he did open the door wider in invitation, and I accepted it hesitantly, walking across the threshold trying not to let him see my shaking form. I felt another wave of dizziness wash over me as he led me through the hallway into the living room.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Angel's POV**

**Have you ever had that feeling that something was going to happen? I don't mean mental pictures of people or events flashing into your mind, no, just a sensation in the pit of your stomach that tells you something was about to happen.**

**That's how I woke this morning, and no matter what mundane thing I tried to fill my day with I couldn't shake that feeling. So I went about my day, filling it with the normal things I have to accomplish on my time off, and pushed all thoughts of that feeling away.**

**That was until the doorbell rang, and then that feeling swept through my body like a tidal wave. The sensation consumed me and I had to take several deep breaths to calm down.**

**I slowly made my way to the door trying to tamp down the feeling of doom that loomed over me. I almost turned to leave, hoping that who ever was there would just leave but the light rap on the door prevented me walking away.**

**"Buffy," I can't stop my mouth from opening and saying her name at the sight of her. She is still the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.**

**"Hi. I was wondering if I could talk to you?" she says and I'm taken back by the cheeriness of her voice.**

**I don't trust myself to speak at the moment. The feeing that had been plaguing me all day was still reverberating through me so I swing the door open wide in invitation. My mind starts to roll over all the reasons she may be here to speak to me but I don't say a word.**

**I lead her down the hall and into the living room where she takes a seat on the couch. She gives me a strange look when I take a seat on the chair opposite the couch but I can't trust myself to be too close to her. The last time I got too close to her we wound up on the dining room table. No, I think this is a nice safe distance.**

**We sit in uncomfortable silence. The tension in the room building with every breath we take and I feel like I'm about to choke on it. She's here, so I should take this opportunity to tell her how I feel. Make sure she understands why we can't be together. So I let my mind wander over all the reasons I have been building since we were last together. I need to be the first to speak, so I break the deafening quiet with something neutral.**

**"I'm glad you're feeling better."**

**She shrugs her shoulders and finally looks me in the eye. The sadness and uncertainty I see shining in her eyes cause and ache in my chest. I know if I don't just tell her now, that I may lose my nerve.**

**"Look Buffy, I just want to apologize for how I acted the last time you were here. I never meant for that to happen and I'm sorry if I hurt you," I say the last part quietly.**

**"That's kind of part of the reason I came to talk to you," she says, and I feel my chest tighten at the fiery look she sends at me.**

**I take a deep breath. Now is the time for me to come clean. I rise from the chair and begin to pace the room.**

**"Yes well I thought it may be. I've done a lot of thinking over the last few months and I think that it would be best for both of us if we just stopped seeing each other. I'm not the same man any more Buffy. I worked very hard to put that life behind me and start over," I look at her briefly to make sure she is listening to what I say.**

**She looks pissed and I'm not sure if that such a good thing but I'm on a roll and I intend to finish what I started.**

**"We haven't been together in a long time Buffy. I'm different now. I don't even go by Angelus anymore. He's gone, he's not coming back but every time I get too **

**close to you I feel him just under the surface trying to break free. All Angelus ever did was hurt you Buffy, and I can't let that happen again. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?" I ask her in a pleading voice.**

**"I think your coming in pretty loud and clear," she says with such distain that I shudder at the sound of it.**

**"Why didn't you read my letter?" she blurts out, and its so loud and angry that I'm taken back.**

**I cant stop the anger that has suddenly swarmed through me and I yell back at her just a loudly.**

**"How the hell do you know I didn't read the damn letter?"**

**She stands to face me and I take a step back at the sight of her. She seething mad, and her eyes sparkly with fire and something else I can't put my finger on at the moment.**

**"Because you stupid jerk, if you had read the damn letter then you wouldn't be telling me all this bullshit right now. Just sit down and let me tell you what I need to and I will be out of your house and your life if that's what you want so badly."**

**I deflate at her words and sit on the couch next to her. I suddenly feel bad for not reading the letter. Why didn't I read it? I think I was just scared of what she really thought of me.**

**I watch her as she takes a few calming breaths, then turns to face me. I'm suddenly terrified of what she is about to say but I clasp my hands together and face her.**

**"First Angel, which is what you're going by, now is it not?" and I know she doesn't expect me to answer that question.**

**"I don't want you to be forced to do anything your not comfortable with. If being with…." She stops for a second and turns away from me. She tries to cover a sob by doing a small cough but I'm not fooled. I know this is hurting her and I try to intervene.**

**"I'm sorry," I try to say more but she cuts me off by putting her hand up.**

**"No, don't, I need to finish." She takes several more breaths and faces me again. The sadness has returned and I know it's my fault.**

**"The last time I was here…when we….. Oh God, I don't think I can do this," she gets up and starts for the hall.**

**I run after her, suddenly needing to know what she hasn't told me. I grab her arm just as she reaches the front door and she turns into my chest and starts to cry. I'm shocked into silence, frozen to the spot by the hard racking sobs coming from her.**

**It takes her several minutes to gain control of herself and I let her continue to hold on to me.**

**She pulls away finally, turning so I can't see the tears that still stain her cheeks. She opens the front door and starts to go through but stops just on the edge of the porch.**

**"I'm pregnant," and she is gone in a flash. All I see is her sun dress rounding the corner and her small car flying past my house a minute later.**

**It takes several longs minutes for that information to filter through my brain as I stare at the empty spot on the porch she just left. Did I hear her right? Did she say pregnant? This is almost a dream, or a nightmare, I guess it depends on if I really wanted to be a father or not.**

**I'm not getting any younger, and I haven't found anyone else that would make me happy enough to share a child with. I know that's a lie because it is one of the dreams I had always kept after she left me. When things were really bad in my life I would just pretend it was me that she married and had a child with, not that jerk she did marry.**

**I suddenly remember the letter she was so obsessed with my reading and I closed the front door and went in search of it. On my dresser, still sealed just as she sent **

**it was the letter. I picked it up and turned it over and over, checking to see what may be so special about the plain white envelope.**

**Nothing, it's just an envelope, with my name on it, in her beautiful handwriting, and I finally open it up. I pull the sheets out carefully and unfold them. I sit down on the edge of my bed and start to read.**

_**My dearest Angelus,**_

_**First I wanted to tell you how sorry I was for ever hurting you. I want you to know that I never meant to, and that I regret every day that I have ever had to spend without you by my side. I know I have done you wrong, and I hope one day you will forgive me.**_

_**I want you to know that I love you, I always have, and I always will. Nothing or no one can ever change that.**_

_**There are so many things I wish I had done differently but I can't change the past. I can only change the future, and I hope that you will be willing to be apart of that future but I understand if you can't. I know we have hurt one another, and I know that I have hurt you more than you could have ever hurt me.**_

_**I am going to tell you something that I should have told you eight years ago. The daughter that I have, Samantha, she's yours Angelus. We have a beautiful little girl who has your hair, and your eyes, and your foul temper at times.**_

_**I'm so sorry I never told you. You were in a bad place then. The drinking and the drugs, it was all so scary. When I finally got the courage to ask you to be with me it was a total disaster. I came to you, I know you remember, it was our last night together. I asked you about the future. I tried to tell you what I wanted, what I needed but you laughed it off like it was a joke. **__**I just wanted you to tell me something, anything that would let me know that you really wanted to be with me. But you brushed me off, said you were too young. You didn't want to be tided down with a wife or a job and I was heartbroken beyond belief. I tried to tell you, I really wanted you to believe that I was serious but I dont think you were ready for that.**_

_**I knew then that it had to be over. I just felt like I couldnt wait for you to grow up. I was ready but you weren't, and I had to let you go. We had already drifted so far apart, and you kept pushing me further and further away, so when I found out I was pregnant I panicked.**_

_**I had met Riley at work, and we were really good friends. I talked and he listened, and I started to care for him. Riley kept asking me for a commitment but I wouldn't give it to him because I was holding on to you. After that last nite together, I finally agreed to move in with Riley but I knew when I found out I was pregnant that it was you and not he that had given me this gift. I never told him that Sam was not his but I think he always suspected. **_

_**He wanted to take care of me, and I had this child growing inside. He asked me to marry him, and I said yes because I needed a father for our child.**_

_**I think he always knew that Sam wasn't his but he never said a word, he just loved her regardless. The day she was born I looked into her big dark eyes, and saw you staring back at me. I cried, cried so hard because I knew that even if I couldnt have you, I did get a piece of you with her. She was the most beautiful little girl I ever saw. I loved her all the more knowing that she was made from our love. I wanted so badly to tell you but by then you had told our friends that you hated me and never wanted to see me again.**_

_**I am so sorry for that. I should have had a back bone and told you that I was seeing someone else but I still didnt want to let go.**_

_**Riley was a good man, and a good friend, and I'm sorry that I could never give him what he really wanted. My heart and soul had always belonged to you Angelus. I could never love another.**_

_**I hope one day you will forgive me but I'm not expecting it. I know I don't deserve it but our daughter does. Please dont hold my mistakes against her. She needs a father Angelus, her real father, and I hope and pray that you are willing to be that.**_

_**I won't tell her anything until you decide. If you want to be apart of her life then we will tell her together. If you choose not to then I will let her believe her father died in that car accident. It is completely up to you.**_

_**Please know that I will respect what ever decision you make and I am here anytime you want to talk.**_

_**I love you,**_

_**Buffy**_


	15. Chapter 15

**Sorry for the delay guys. I have had this chapter written for a long time and just never had the chance to post it. I only have two more, and hopefully I will have those finished and posted soon. Please let me know what you think.**

Coward is such a strong word but it best describes what I truly am. When things get tough; when I know that the outcome of something is not going to go my way, I run.

The only problem with my running from Angelus is he never seems to run after me. That should be my clue as to his real feelings for me but I guess I am extremely stupid. It has taken me the better part of ten years to finally realize what I feel for him is not what he feels for me. I love him. I want him in my life with a burning desperation but I think, no not think I know he doesn't want me the same.

My cousin Becky was right. I need to stop holding on to someone who will never return my feelings, my love. I am in love with a man who will never love me back. I always thought that we shared our love for one another but I see now that I was so very wrong.

My cousin made me really think about things last night, and I came to a realization that I was seeing something that just wasn't there. I was always the one who came looking for him. He never sought me out, never came looking to get me back, and even though I did get that occasional drunken phone call I was still the one always crawling back to him. I was just a convenience for him, nothing but a young sexual obsession, and its finally time I put my past behind me and moved on.

My poor Becky, our lives are so similar it's scary. Even though she lives on the east coast, we still managed to stay as close as possible.

Becky married her high school sweet heart just after graduation. She and her husband tried desperately to have a child but because of a bad infection when Becky was a teenager scar tissue made it impossible for her to conceive. They decided to adopt, and were blessed with a beautiful little girl that they named Courtney. Tragically, Becky lost her husband to lung cancer two years after Courtney was born.

She has been trying to get me to move out there with her ever since I lost Riley. She says that all I need is a fresh start somewhere new, and I think she may be right. I have never tried to live on my own without the help of my friends, and my family. Maybe this is what I need to be able to move on.

I don't want to leave before I give Angelus a chance to be a father. I wanted to give him time to digest the news of him being a parent. So I waited, and waited, and waited but when the weeks turned into months, I knew he was the one running this time. I wanted to give him space but I was getting tired of waiting. I needed some sort of closure this time, and I was determined to get it.

I found out Spike was having his end of summer BBQ, and everyone usually attended. It was a party his family threw, and everyone from the neighborhood usually went. I used to go before Riley and I got married, it was always a great time, and I missed seeing my friends but it was better that I kept my distance from the friends we shared. Angelus made it perfectly clear that he didn't like Riley, and I was scared that he may start a fight if we showed up to Spikes party so it's been a very long time since I attended. I knew Angelus would never suspect that I would show. It should be my best bet in running in to him and making him tell me what he wants.

I only have a few weeks before my due date but my doctor assures me that every thing is fine. I am so huge but I don't care. I'm going to this damn party even if I have to waddle the whole way there.

Willow and Tara have decided to join me. I think they only want to go to see me try to dance as big and waddley as I am. I love my friends so much. They only want to see me happy, and they know that if Angelus decides not to be a father to our children then I will be leaving for the east coast shortly after the birth. Since my confrontation with Angelus I had mainly stayed at home. I'm not sure why I felt the need to hide at home but I think in the back of my mind I had hoped that he may come looking for me, and I wanted to be there. It never happened. Not that I'm that surprised but I had hoped.

It took me a long time to find something decent to wear. I was going for pregnant but not boat like, yea like that was possible. I finally settled on a pair of shorts, and a blue belly shirt that didn't make me look like a beached whale. Who cares? I'm big as a house, and if they can't tell I'm about to burst that's their problem.

The party was in full swing when we got there. Willow and Tara went strait to the dance floor, and I of course headed for the food. I filled up a plate and found a chair close to the dancing so I could watch my friends have fun. I intended to enjoy myself, have some good food, talk to some old friends, and if I run into Angelus great but if not so be it.

Hours passed, and I talked to so many people but I never got a glimpse of him. I didn't think he would miss Spikes party but maybe since he changed his lifestyle he didn't attend any more. I was beginning to tire but I didn't want to leave before I thanked Spike for inviting me.

He was standing by one of the bars, and I approached him intending on saying thank you and good bye but just as I was about to reach him I was stopped by Faith.

"Damn B you're huge."

I turned abruptly at the sound of her voice and found her standing there with Angelus. To say I was pissed at the sight was an understatement. I think her standing so close to him had my blood boiling in my veins, and I had a sudden urge to claw her eyes out. I fixed her with a murderous glare. "Thank you Miss states the obvious. It's so nice to see you too."

She broke out with a huge shining smile on her face like my smart remark made her the happiest she had been in years, "I think you look fantastic girl."

Okay, and that statement took me back a few steps "What?"

"Let me rub it," she says as she walks towards me with her hand out intending to feel my protruding belly.

I stood there shocked as she closed the gap between us and began smoothing her hand over my large tummy. I watched in awe as she rubbed both her hands round and round. What ever anger I had towards her previously had melted at the look on her face.

"When are you due?" she asked quietly.

"Ten days if I'm lucky" I tell her unable to hold the smile back that has broken out on my face.

"Wow, you're so big. I don't think I've ever seen a pregnant chic carry a load as big as yours. I bet your back is killing you" she said with a grin, and I laughed. "Yes it is, along with my legs, and my feet. I'm only this big because I'm carrying two though."

"No shit," she exclaimed, and I laughed again. Spike walked over to Angelus, and they both watched as we spoke quietly to each other. When I dropped the little bomb of my twins I saw Angelus go to the bar and down two shots before turning to fix me with a hard stare.

"So who's the lucky guy? I know you lost your husband last year but I didn't hear that you were dating anyone."

At her statement I looked up to Angelus trying to gage what he was thinking. The look of utter horror that covered his features was all the information I needed. He had no intentions of stepping in to claim me or our children. He looked like he wanted to run, and what ever little hope I was holding on to died at that moment. I looked down at my belly, and tried to stop the flow of tears threatening to fall.

"There's no one."

"Bullshit, I know that's not the Immaculate Conception. Who's the ass that knocked you up" she asked, and I couldn't even look at him anymore.

"He….he didn't want us" I told her utter misery coating my voice. "Look, I'm really tired. I just came over to thank Spike for inviting me." I didn't turn, or wait for her to reply. I just began to walk towards the dance floor looking for my room mates. I had my confirmation. I didn't need to stay there any longer. I just wanted to go home and drown my sorrows in some ice cream, and a long hot bath.

Angelus had not intentions for being a father to our children. He had no intentions of being anything with me at all. It was time for me to move on.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Well isn't my luck lately just shit? The entire time I'm at this god forsaken party, stuffing my face, chatting with people I haven't seen in years, and the entire time I can always see Willow, and Tara just off in the distance.

But God forbid, I take my eyes off of them for five minutes, to talk to Faith no less, and they disappear on me. I frantically search the dance floor, and all around the food tables but no luck.

Now, as I stand here looking like the good year blimp, eyes swollen with unshed tears, I know my night is about to get a lot worse. As I Iook behind me I can see Angelus heading my way, striding with that loose swagger that always makes me hot, and damn right now is no different.

Why, oh why does fate hate me so?

I don't need to hear his bullshit right now. All I really want to do is find my friends, go home, and climb into my bed for a good long cry. But no, that would mean that something actually went right for a change.

I can't even turn around to acknowledge him right now. All I can see is that look he gave me when Faith asked me who the father of my unborn children was. If I needed confirmation of his feelings about our children, I now knew. He does not need to pour any more salt into the wounds.

"Buffy, I though you should know that Willow, and Tara went with Xander to get more ice. Spike asked them to go, and Xander needed someone to drive, he had a little too much beer." He explained to my backside.

My response is a long drawn out sigh before I mutter thanks to him.

I can feel the heat of this stare on my back. Okay, he told me the information, so why is he still standing behind me like a stalker? I can only stand it for another minute before all my hurt turns to hot burning fury, and I spin around to give him my most fierce stare.

"What do you want Angelus? You've done your Good Samaritan for the day, be assured the information was received, and you can be on your way," I say with as much venom in my voice as I can muster.

He gives me an angry glare, and I know that I have ruffled his fine composure. That look only lasts a moment though, and then softens to a look that gives me goose bumps. I know I should be running in any direction that is away from him because I don't want to hear what he really has to say but I know I'm not going to get the chance.

"We need to talk" he mutters quietly, and I'm not sure if its sadness or pity in his expression. Probably a bit of both

"No we really don't. I think you made your self pretty damn clear where you stand with us, so let's not drag it out." I can't stop the hurt from appearing on my face as I speak to him.

"Let me drive you home Buffy. I know you must be tired, and I promise not to start a fight with you on the way. Just let me explain a few things…..please" and he gives me that pouty face that I just can't resist.

I know I'm going to cave, and dammit, the only reason I really came to this stupid party was to get things settled with him. I know what he's going to tell me, and for the life of me I just can't tell him no. My heart is already shattered to pieces I just don't know how much more I can take. I need to hear this though, and I think he deserves to say his peace.

"Fine," I mutter, and begin to follow him towards his car. We walk silently to his car, and he holds the door open for me as I slide my large body into the seat. My belly is so large that I have a hard time getting in, and I watch in horror as he reaches between my legs and slides the seat back as far as it will go.

I know my face is beet red with embarrassment right now, and as he climbs in behind the wheel I do my best to keep my eyes straight ahead.

I don't need his pity, or his help. Hell, and don't need any man, him or otherwise. I am a grown woman of the 21st century, women's lib, and all that crap. I can do this on my own, we don't need him.

That is the internal monologue I have going on the ride towards my home. Fifteen short minutes later, and he pulls into my driveway. I don't want to get out, and I know I'm going to look even more ridiculous trying to wedge my large body out of this seat. I can see the smirk on his face as he gets out of his seat, and I know he's thinking the same thing I am.

He opens my door, and reaches for my hand. As I roll sideways to get out he pulls my arm slightly, and my feet actually support me when I rise. He gives me a gently smile as I stand up in front of him, and since I didn't look as stupid getting out, as I did getting in I give him a goofy grin back.

He walks me to the door, and I'm afraid of the conversation I know is about to happen. I unlock the door, and we both enter quietly striding towards the couch.

He again holds my hand as I ease myself down onto the sofa. It takes me a minute or two to get comfortable, well, as comfortable as I can get these days any way.

"So," he says but nothing else for a long moment.

"What did you want to talk about?" I ask him in return. I want this over with, and if I have to push to get it going, well the hell with it.

"I didn't know you were having twins" he says to me.

Are you kidding me? He has the nerve to start his conversation with that. Hormones be dammed I'm just royally pissed now, and I think he can tell by the look on my face because he scoots down the couch just a little further.

"Jesus! How the hell would you know anything Angelus? You never returned any of my phone calls, never showed to any of the doctor appointments I left on your machine, and hell I even had my Mom send you an email with a picture of the last sonogram. You know I figured if it came from her instead of me you might actually look at it. You have made it perfectly clear to me, and my family that you have no interest in this pregnancy, or our daughter. Just tell me what you need to, and then leave okay. It's been a long day, shit, it's been a long 8 months, and I just want to go to bed" and I let out a long tired sigh.

I am doing my best not to break down in front of him. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he is tearing me apart. I understand he has a right to his hatred, and I should let him have his say but a part of me just wants to shove him out the door, and climb in my bed.

"I, uh, I don't remember getting anything from your mother. I can check my email when I get home and let you know though." He pauses for a moment, and I can't help but look at him waiting for more.

I see so many emotions running through him, and I'm almost afraid when he finally gives me that stern look.

"Listen Buffy. I spoke to my attorney the other day, and set up a few things. I have an account set up for the kids. It will have a monthly draw set up for support, and I have set up two separate trust funds for college. I guess now I will have to make it three. The trust funds will be in their names with you as the beneficiary until they go to college, or turn twenty one."

My blood is now boiling. He thinks this whole thing is about money. What the Fuck…

"Are you fucking serious right now? I never asked you for a God damn dime! You think I'm trying to get your money, this has never been about MONEY!" I so mad I want to punch him in his arrogant face right now.

I am wiggling my way to the edge of the seat so I can stand and show him the door but I am so pissed I don't see the edge of the table in front of me, and I slam my knee right into it. I hit it so hard I see stars, and I start to cry instantly. I can't help it, I'm really mad, and my knee hurts so badly.

I turn puffy wet eyes to him, and in a pleading voice ask him to leave. He's shaking his head at me, and I just want to die now.

"Please Angelus, I….I can't do this. I know you don't want me or the kids okay. I get it….I really do." I pause to take a big gulping breath, "Don't for one moment think I will take one red cent of your money though. I only wanted you to know the truth about Sam and about this" I say pointing to my large rounded tummy.

"Now you know, and now I do as well. Thank you for bringing me home. I hope you have a wonderful life. Please take care of yourself, and know that I will take care of our children without you. You don't have to worry about us, we will be fine, and I respect your decision. Now if you don't mind I'm going to bed" I say as I finally get up from the couch and head for the stairs.

I only make it to the first step before I hear him speaking finally, "Buffy, I'm sorry. I just don't think I'm meant to be a father. The only thing I have ever done is hurt you, and I don't want to bring that same pain to your children. Please understand that I never meant to cause you so much pain, and I think its best we stay apart. I don't like who I am when I am with you. I left that person behind, and I don't want him back."

What can I say to that? He's made himself clear that we, that is, me and the children are not worth the risk. He would rather live in his drama free life, and pretend we don't exist.

I have nothing left to say to him so I put my foot on the next step intending to go up but I get a sharp shooting pain that runs through my entire body. It is so intense that I can't stop the scream from coming, and I almost double over when another sharp pain hits me again.

I step back to the floor and lean against the wall as I feel the gushing wetness running down my legs. I look up as Angelus gets to me, and we both look down to the now small puddle on the floor.

He face is ashen white as his eyes meet mine, "Oh shit" we say at the same time.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

"Did you…..was that" He was stammering, unable to get anything out clearly. If you could look both horrified, and confused at the same time he pulled it off quit easily.

"Yes" I said, and I didn't think I needed to elaborate any further than that. He looked ready to run for the door, and if my heart was not so shattered I may have found the whole situation funny. As it was I needed to pull myself together, and get him out of here. He already said he didn't want any of this, and I didn't want to force him into something out of pity.

God I love this man. He has no idea how much I want him to be with us, and I guess he will never know. I stare at him taking in his beauty, his dark eyes the color of chocolate, and his high cheek bones, fine chiseled chin, and wide shoulders. I spy him from his broad shoulders, down to his trim abs to his slim waist, and lower before rising back up to stare in his eyes once again. I need to take that one last look; afraid that it would be the last I may have this opportunity. I blush at the knowing look he gives me, and I try to square my shoulders for what I am about to say.

"Thank you again for bringing me home today, and for being honest about your feelings. I want you to know that I will respect your decision, and I will not contact you again about…..well anything I guess" and I have to look away from him now. It's time for me to move past this and I needed to be as strong as possible. So I take a deep breath and look him strait in the eyes.

"You can go now Angel. I will be fine. I'm going to call my mother, and then I'm going to go clean up a little before she gets here."

He looks at me blankly, like he's trying to figure me out, and then he turns to leave. My heart sinks further knowing that this is it for us. I will never see him again, and I try harder to keep the tears from falling. Another pain rolls through me hard, and I draw in a gasping breath bending over slightly to keep my knees from buckling. He turns to look at me, and I'm trying really hard to hide my pain but I know he can see it, and he starts walking in my direction again.

"Let me take you to the hospital Buffy, it doesn't look like you have much time" he says quietly but I can see the anxiety in his gaze. "No, it's okay. I still have a little time you don't need to stay" I try to reassure him but the pain is so intense that I'm having a hard time just breathing much less talking.

God this pain is horrible. I remember my labor with Sam, and this seems to be on a whole new level. "This is ridiculous, let me drive you" he bites out. He walks over and grabs my arm guiding me back to the living room and I slump down on the couch. The pain starts to ease a little, and I trying breathing deeply to move through it.

"Tell me what you want to take with you, and get ready we are leaving in five minutes" he says standing over me. I can see the angry leer on his face, and I start to get angry myself. I didn't want to do this with him, and I see that I'm going to have to get nasty to get him to leave. It's not how I wanted us to end our….whatever we have going right now but I have no choice.

"Look, I don't need your help okay" I yell at him, and he looks really angry now. "Yes, you do, and if I have to carry you out to the car I will. Now stop being a stubborn ass, get up and get moving…..now" he yells back at me.

"NO, I'm not going anywhere with you…just…leave…please" and the tears I was fighting so hard to keep back start to stream down my face. I'm just in too much pain to stop it now.

Then he gives me that look. The same one I get from Willow, and Tara when I'm feeling really sorry for myself, the one my parents give me when I talk about being alone, and afraid that I'm not going to be enough parent for my children, and I can't stand it…. "Don't look at me like that damn it! If I can't have your support, or your love…I don't want your damn pity. Just please…please…leave. I..I..can't do this right now, can't you see that."

He picks up my cell phone, and lays it in my hand before he turns and walks to the door. I watch as he turns back once in my direction, that look of pity on his face, and then turns back for the front door. When I hear the click of the door closing I let the sobs go. The incredible pain comes back full force, and it rolls through my whole body. My heart is crushed but the pain wracking my body is worse at the moment. I know something is wrong, labor is painful but not this bad.

I dial my mother's number, and I can't describe the relief I felt when she answers the call, "Mom…oh God it hurts so badly." "Buffy, what's wrong?" She cries to me.

"Buffy…talk to me, what's going on"

"My water broke but the pain…its tearing me apart. I need you, please help me" I cry into the phone. "Hold on baby, I'm coming. Just hang in there for a few minutes. Where is Willow?" She asks me. "Not here she went to a party, I'm here alone…please Mom the pain" and I can no longer speak through the slicing pain in my body.

My Mother didn't wait as it turns out. She called 911, and minutes later, she along with an ambulance was whisking me off to the hospital. The trip in the ambulance was short, my labor however was not.

After six grueling hours of labor my first bundle of joy came into the world, and he was so beautiful. I took one look at his handsome little face, and his name popped right into my head. Liam, Liam Angelus Summers, and he did look just like his daddy. I was over joyed until the labor started up once again, and it was time to push the next baby out. The only problem was he just didn't want to come. I pushed, and pushed, and pushed, and nothing. After thirty minutes of pain, and pushing the stress became too much on the baby, and they rushed me into surgery. I later found out that his head was lodged in the corner of my pelvic bone, and his shoulder was being forced out the birth canal. They pulled him out and rushed him to the NICU. His little shoulder was dislocated, and they wanted to make sure he didn't have any bruising on his head from where it was pushed into my pelvic bone. I was crushed, and I had to wait over two hours before I was allowed to see him.

He looked so pitiful in that little bed, with wires and things all attached to his little body. I kissed him on his little head, and promptly named him Conner Michael Summers. Both my little boys were the most beautiful little men I have ever seen. My broken heart felt a little better just seeing them finally here. If I had to live without the love of my life, at least I had this little piece of him.

I finally managed to get a few hours of sleep before they brought both my boys in to be fed. Once they ate, and I spent a little time with them they were escorted back to the nursery to be monitored. My little Conner needed to be watched at least for the next twelve hours so I was left by myself until my Mother showed up again for a visit.

I could tell by the look on her face that she wanted to talk, and I was not looking forward to the conversation.

"I sent Giles down to the cafeteria for some coffee, so we have a few minutes to talk before he gets back "she says to me as she pulls a chair up next to my bed.

"And we are discussing what?" I ask her, knowing already by the stern leer she gives me. I'm going to be frustrated, and quickly.

"You know what. I think you should call him, and let him know about the boys. He is the father, and he has a right to know one of his sons had a difficult birth. You named them Summers Buffy; don't you think he would at least want them to have his name?" She is giving me that look that says not to disagree with her, and I am instantly aggravated.

"I'm not having this talk with you Mom. He's not interested in us, any of us, so just drop it. I'm not calling him" I cross my arms in front of me in defense, trying to show my resolve.

"That's just stupid Buffy. It takes two to make a baby. He needs to be responsible here, and be a man. He deserves to know he now has two sons, and I don't think its fair for you to hide it from him."

"I'm not hiding anything! I told him about Samantha, and he knows about the boys, well he doesn't know they are boys but he knew I was going to have two." I sigh loudly, knowing no matter what I say to her she is not going to like it. "I already asked him, okay, and he said he did not want to be a father. I have to respect his decision. If he decides later that he wants to get to know them then he can do it then but I'm not forcing this on him. I owe him that much."

"Why are you letting him do this to you Buffy? I don't understand any of this. How can you let him get you pregnant, and then just let him walk away?" she is yelling now, and my heart breaks all over again. I don't want to talk about this, and I don't think I have to justify my decisions to anyone. He yelling has put me over the edge, and I lash out at her unthinking of hurt I may cause to us both.

"STOP, I love him okay. Is that what you want to hear? I am in love with a man who doesn't love me back. I hurt him, badly, and I can't take back what I have done. He should hate me. I left him for another man, and then I let him believe that I had a child that wasn't his. And then I waited eight years to tell him the truth, so yea, he can't stand the site of me. No wonder he doesn't want anything to do with his kids, if I were him I would walk away too." By now I'm crying, loud wet sobs making my whole body shake, and my mother gets up to hug me tight.

"God, I love him so much Mom, and right now I just feel like I'm dying. Why is everything so damn hard, cant life ever be easy?"

"Shhh, baby. It's okay, everything is going to be okay. You have three beautiful children to take care of now." I let her rock me as I try to calm down. I really needed to get that out, and I'm grateful that my Mother was there to help me past this.

The one thing I was unaware of was that Angelus was standing outside the door to my room hearing every word.


End file.
